I'm in a huge funk emotionally.

Wednesday night I went to the coffee shop in town, and ended up playing scrabble with some friends. The whole time there was a girl that works there who was talking about how she had hardly had anything to eat that day and how she was dizzy because she'd only had breakfast and a small lunch and it was almost ten pm by then. She was talking about how it was at a point to where she hadn't eaten for so long that the idea of food was making her sick. Of course everyone there, all the guys, were acting all concerned and trying to get her to eat something. Of course she did eventually. I sat there and had to keep myself from beaming, I was so disgusted with myself because I was sitting there so proud. I was thinking about how I hadn't had anything to eat at all that day. I was thinking about how great it was that no one knew, no one even guessed it, I felt so proud of myself because I wasn't dizzy, I could handle it just fine and nobody had to know. I felt so immortal and powerful at that moment...that now I can remember why it is I used to do the things I did despite all logic. I remember now. It's because of that feeling, I could get drunk off that feeling. 

Of course, I made myself eat a few hours after that, made myself eat quite a lot and I kept it down. It's so unhealthy though. I don't even know anymore.
The thing is I'm okay with my weight like it is right now, I think. I feel very out of control though, not in control of myself or my feelings or my life. I've actually been very depressed, depressed and suicidal these past few days. I feel like I'm being suffocated and like my life is killing me. I feel like crying when I think about tomorrow or the next hour. What am I going to do? What am I going to do with my life? I feel so down on myself and like such a loser. I feel like I'll never be happy again. I feel so hopeless and pathetic. I don't want to talk about it with anyone because that doesn't feel like it's going to help at all. I'm getting really tired of people. And of him. I'm so tired of how I feel about him, and I don't want to care about him anymore. I was going to call him tonight and tell him that I don't think we work so well together, and that I don't want to get my feelings hurt. I wonder if that will upset him, and I wonder why I'm saying it. He treats me very kindly, he says really sweet things. But it just makes me so, so sad.
Besides, he likes to party and he's very well known in the Lafayette/Baton Rouge/New Orleans area with bands and people and I just feel like a nobody. I feel like any second he's going to realize what a loser I am and that I've just realized it before him and I have to end this before it catches up to him and he does.
I know this is ridiculous. The thing is that I love him and I don't know what to do with it. There's nothing to do with my feelings.
I feel so ugly and undeserving of any good things. I feel like as long as I feel like this nothing good is going to happen for me.

So I keep trying and trying and trying to smile at everyone and to be positive and to ignore the negativity in my life so that good things will come to me. I even started praying to absolutely no one every night...or maybe to everyone, to whoever might be listening, hoping that something will happen. I'm trying to get good things done for myself and not to depend on others, but I have no money. I have no car. I have no experience and I'm not old enough to do anything for myself...and yet I'm too old to not be doing things. I'm so frustrated and lonely but I don't want to see anyone. I don't hang out with my friends because I feel exhausted. I'm so tired.

My period came and went again in under two days which pisses me off. And Saturday I was bored and drummed my fingers on the counter top and my nails started peeling off in big flakes. I keep wondering why that is happening to me when I'm being so much more healthier than I used to. I don't want to be sick anymore. For god's sake, I want to do something right! I want to not be a screw up at absolutely everything. Just let something go right.
And then last night my mom walked in on me when I was getting ready to take a bath. I was so embarassed but she didn't leave because she saw all the bruises on my thighs and lower back and freaked out. They are pretty gnarly looking, but I don't know where they came from. She said it looks like vitamin deficiency to her and I am not taking another stupid blood test. I know I'm anemic. I know that I don't eat all my nutrients. I know all I eat is either nothing or complete crap. I don't know why but that was just a slap in the face of how bad I'm being about taking care of myself. I know that I can't keep on going like this. I know that soon I'm going to crash and burn emotionally or physically and I'm almost praying for it so that I can get some rest from this stupid self pity and depression.
I'm sorry for all the negativity.