He's fine. I don't know how I feel about all of this though. I really don't know...
The reason I didn't hear from him was because of something I strongly disagree with. Although after last night he's convinced he no longer wants to ever, ever do it again...I'm still bothered by it a lot.
But I'm so relieved he's okay.
I woke up this morning and just felt like throwing up because I was so worried. But he called me and told me he was fine.

I don't feel fine. I feel terribly sick and I just don't want to get out of bed. He's been really sweet about that too though.

I'm starting to get really depressed about the shop closing. I don't want it to.

I'm here because I don't know where else to go and I need to distract myself. I'm really, really worried about Steven right now and I don't know what to do. I'm probably over reacting, but I'm so worried. I feel so sick and I want to go to sleep but I can't because I don't know what's going on with him. He calls me every night after work, and work ended for him at ten and it's one in the morning now. This wouldn't be a big deal except he suddenly stopped texting me earlier today while at work and just never responded. I've texted him twice and he's not responding. He hasn't been online since he left for work. He was a driver tonight to bring deliveries to people so I'm worried he got in an accident or something...and I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't do anything, I can't watch TV or read or sleep until I know what's going on and that he's okay and I hate this. I just want to know that he's safe and I don't know what to do.

Five positive things about today:

1. I got to go back to tribal today and had a very good time.
2. I had a civilized, good conversation with Ceslie today without screwing up and that went well.
3. Nanowrimo's numbers have doubled and there are a lot more people participating this year.
4. Link was really warm to sleep next to this morning.
5. I am about to go have some hot chocolate.

Besides that, I'm sick. My throat is killing me.

With winter comes weight gain, I know this for sure. I've become paranoid about this like crazy. Feeling it's going to sneak up on me at any moment.

I taught the last session of my Beginner One class today, I'm so grateful for my students. They are so talented and have so much dedication. They remind me of why I started belly dancing in the first place everytime I watch them. They remind me not to give up and that it's true that if you practice and work really hard at something, you really can achieve anything you want. You really can.

I'm really easily triggered right now, so I've been taking care to just...well, be careful right now. I'm trying to surround myself with things that basically distract me from the negative, which is technically running away from feelings that scare me. But I think I do that a lot in my life.
Steven sent me a package in the mail that I got today. It made me so happy because no one sends things in the mail anymore and...it was really sweet.
He sent me a little weiner dog stuffed animal and two letters he wrote, one he wrote on a bill slip from the restaurant he works at, which I thought was cool actually.
He keeps saying the nicest things in the world to me and I don't know how to take it. I guess I'm just so happy and so...in disbelief that it's really happening.

I can't believe that less than four months ago I was in my hotel room with Skylar and Jennifer, under the covers of my bed trying to fall alseep and thinking about how I was never going to see that guy from the elevator again...and wondering if I'd ever get another chance to talk to him again. 

I can't believe he says he loves me now. He says I know more about him than any of his friends that he's had for years do. He says he wants to tell me everything because he trusts me and loves talking to me.
And I love him.
I just...don't know what to do with all this emotion.

The rest of my life is sort of falling apart, to be honest.
Mom was crying all day today about money.
We couldn't make the house payment this month which really scared her, me too to be honest.
But all of this mess will be over with soon. Hopefully.

I had to go up a jean size and I know the breakdown is coming soon.
I remember in the store I started to cry, but I just pulled it all back in and swallowed and took a deep breath and stopped, realizing how stupid I was being, how spoiled.
But it's got to come out some way...I just don't want to face it.
I just don't want to face all the self hatred I have for myself right now. I'm so angry and I don't know why.

I'm sure one day I'll be all alone and have no one to blame but myself.
Everyone was right.
Claire said, "I love you, but I can't let you do this to me, I have to try to forget you."
Brandon said he sometimes thought that I was bulimic with people or friends.
Ceslie said, "You give them everything, and then you take it all away."

I think Ashley is angry with me. I'm sure I'm jumping to crazy conclusions and it's all a misunderstanding, but she seems cold and upset to me. And it's never been like that before.
The only reason for it that I could think about why she'd be angry is because yesterday I went and hung out at Shannon and Leslie's and helped them film something, and it was Drew and Stu and the whole group there, and she was gone on a trip. Maybe she feels left out...?
I feel so guilty right now though. It's ridiculous. I'm having a panic attack over the idea that Ashely MIGHT be angry at me when I didn't do anything wrong in the first place.

Maybe it's because I feel like I can't do anything right lately for anyone.

I want to see him, of course, and be near to him...but I'm afraid that means he'll want to cuddle with me and kiss me because that's what he always says he wants to do. To kiss me and cuddle with me. This should be ideal to me.
But it's not. I don't want anyone to touch me. How can I tell him that? How can I explain that I really don't want to be touched or looked at right now?

I think I did terribly on my ACT. Terribly.
I went in feeling okay and left feeling so down.
This was supposed to be a piece of cake, but I feel so stupid.

Already I'm looking for reasons to run away from him. Already he's getting old, he's getting scary, his closeness scares me. Already I started thinking of what I'm going to do if I need to get away from and get over him.
I realize now that if he stopped talking to me I would literally have no one left that I'm on good terms with right now. No close friends. Nothing.
My "close friends"...well, I don't know how they feel about me right now. Probably something very negative.
What am I doing with myself?
Why am I doing this? I feel like it's all been a dream, and I don't understand where I am right now, how did I get here?
I don't understand when or how any of the past few years happened. Literally sometimes I get past events all molded into the same time period and I'll think two years ago was last week. I don't know what's wrong with me.

When he and I talk, I never mention any of the old stuff. I don't want him to know my history or anything else about me now that's he's got the basics. Or maybe I just don't want to tell him. I want him to know, I want him to know and accept me.
But I don't want him to know...I want to be a new me, and I want him to love this new me.
But the new me is so ugly and cruel to people.

There is a man who came into the bookstore on Saturday and it happened again. I found out he doesn't live in Eunice and after we started talking about books I immediately felt like dropping everything and attatching myself to him. I caught myself and realized what I was doing.
It hurt so much to realize I forgot about the person I'm supposed to love. I forgot about everything and just wanted to get out of there wherever he was going.
I disgust myself with my immaturity.
This says something about me.
This all says that there's something inside of me that needs to be looked at before I look to someone else to help.
I feel like I can't control myself.

I was thinking about him and I just started thinking about how now that things are going well I just feel trapped and worried.

Will I ever have a healthy, happy relationship?
Will I ever let myself just love and be with someone?

And now I'm worried that now that I've admitted it to myself that I have a huge issue with people and relationships that maybe that's not a good thing, maybe I'm doing it on purpose, making it a self fulfilling prophecy.

The truth is that I care so much, and I'm not getting bored or weirded out by the affection, but I think I feel undeserving.
I'm not sure.

I've been thinking about Kalvin a lot.
Been thinking about writing him and telling him who I am.
Been thinking I should have forgotten about him the day he left.
Been thinking about what it would be like to start talking to him again...if I played my cards right and did all the right things like I usually try to do, if we'd start talking and he'd fall "in love" too.
Been thinking about why I would want any of that.
Been thinking about how much it hurts that he doesn't seem to remember.
Been thinking about how it feels like I might break in half.
Why do I want to tell him about everything that happened since?
Why do I want to tell him everything...and that I kept my promise, and that I'm still an actress in every sense of the word?

During the ACT I kept looking around the room. I had a panic attack basically. Not about the test. Not about school. About my weight. About how I wasn't sure if I was bigger than another girl in the room or not. I kept thinking about how her pants looked like a pair of pants I have at home that I can't even pull up over my thighs anymore. I kept thinking about it.
And that's when I looked down at the paper in front of me and couldn't process any of it.
I just kept thinking about it and wondering what it was that I wanted.
I want to lose weight. I'm not even going to lie.
I want to be smaller.
I want to fit back into all my clothes.
But I also want to be happy.

I actually had a really good phone conversation with him tonight. It was very, very good.
We discussed what happens if and when he gets a girlfriend in the immediate future. He said that we'd still talk on the phone and everything as much as we do because we can have conversations without being flirty or as more than friends. He said it wouldn't cut into phone time with his gf because he's never before talked to anyone on the phone that he's dated like this. I said that was exactly my point, that it would be kind of strange for him to have a girlfriend and then another girl that he talked to on the phone every night like that.
He said, "Well, she'd just have to understand. I'd just tell her 'Amy is my best friend, and I love her.'"
I am so deeply into this, that I can't even see the light out anymore.

I know I had something else to say...
I'm not sure.
I can't help but feel really depressed right now. I feel like I'm drifting on little moments that mean nothing in the end and neglecting the people and things that really matter. I feel lost and in a dream state. I feel like if I keep holding on it's going to kill me.
Why do I feel so ashamed for being healthy?
Why am I effing JEALOUS of people who have relapsed right now?
I hate my stomach, I hate it. But I know I won't let myself do anything about it because I feel like it would hurt people.
And that should be a good thing. But it makes me so weak, and like I don't have a "real" eating disorder because if I did then I wouldn't eat as much as I do.
I feel like a faker, but I know it's very real.
I know I'm barely hanging on.
I'm barely hanging on and I'm too stubborn to ask for help. And the people who were below me offering their hands out to me got tired of waiting around in disappoitment and have walked away by now and I don't blame them.
And now I'm just hanging on when what I really meant to say was "Help me."
But I can't ask for that because I know if I asked for anyone to come back, I would just push them away.

Why do I suck so much?
What do I even want?

We're closing the shop.
I took my ACT today.
I feel really lonely.

That's it.

I feel like I need to get out of here, and then everything will be better and get better.

I wish I weren't so immature, and I am very afraid of getting older. 

Spencer wants the movie Wall-E and a Wii for his wedding presents. He said to come in black, black is the color scheme for the wedding. I can't help but feel that's appropriate. He's really doing it. I keep waiting for the phone call to come saying the the wedding's off, they had a falling out. Because I can't help but feel that there's no way it could really work out like that. Just like that.

I think I ate pretty well today. I got Taco Bell and ate all of that, and I don't know...no confusing or upsetting feelings about that. Probably because I had just gotten done with about two and a half hours of belly dancing and it felt good to re-fuel my body. It felt more instinct than shameful or hard to do. I wish I could always eat at times like that...when I'm tired and have had a good work out. It makes me feel so productive. 

I really want to go to the beach. By myself, I think.
I think it would be really nice.

"You, beneath the bed, I know all your tricks

I've seen you watching

I've seen you drifting away

Seen you falling along

I've seen you disappear


There ain't a cloud in sight

Look through the snow and the branches

I can count all your teeth

Yeah I can count all your teeth

Now the bed's on fire and the ceiling's gone

And your mom and dad still sing the same old song

Don't scare me off now, I'm your only friend

Don't scare me off now, I'm your only friend


Now you're drifting away

Now you're falling along

I've seen you disappear

I closed my eyes and saw my father's sins

They covered me like a second skin

I peeled them off and sure I bled it in

And now I'm free to sink my own damn ship

I cut the bridge down from my family tree

To start a fire in the living room

Now the house is just ash this time it's sink or swim


Let the river in

If blood is thicker than water

Then let the river in

We might drift away, but we've got thick skin


Let the river in

If blood is thicker than water

Then let the river in

We might drift away, but we'll find our way again"

Tonight I was going to talk to him about how insecure and doubtful I was feeling. I chickened out on bringing it up when he sent me a message that asked me what I thought about him. This is how our conversation went.

I answered
"I think you're way different from any other person I've met, and I think that's a good thing. I think haha. I think I care about you way too much for my own good since I also think you're unlike me in that you have a lot of people coming in and out of your life all the time and I like you a lot and want to be important to you. I think of you as someone who I like very much so I try to balance friendship and my feelings because you're important to me. And if nothing else I want to be your friend, a close friend because I think you're cool and you make me happy. I dunno...that's probably not even what you meant when you asked! lol"

He replied
"Do you think you're important to me? Honestly..."

I said
"I think so...I mean there's a little insecure part of me that feels like with all the cool people in your life maybe I wouldn't be, maybe I don't measure up, but that part of me can shut up. Haha."

This was his response
"When I get my phone bill, I'm going to show it to you, so you can see that out of the 250 cool people in my life, you're the only one who's used up more than 15 minutes on my phone. And by more, I mean hours and hours. And if that doesn't prove it to you, I have more evidence. I could understand if you wouldn't think you really mean that much to me with all the sh*t that I do and say and how I've been with everyone else. But it's amazing how much you mean to me and I want you to be fully aware of how important to me you are. Ok I'm about to go to sleep, but I just want you to know that even though I talk about the salad girl, or the incubus fan, or this girl or that girl, that YOU are the best and I would pick you over all of them anyday. And I'll show you that because I want to make sure you believe me and don't doubt me. Goodnight honey bear <333"

Is it totally wrong that that made me so happy? Is it pathetic that all I can do is smile and believe him. Because I want to believe him so much. I want him to prove me wrong, I want him to show me that it is possible that he could care that much. I want to be important this time...I thought I was tired of being important to people, but I think I've just been afraid. 

I'm in a huge funk emotionally.

Wednesday night I went to the coffee shop in town, and ended up playing scrabble with some friends. The whole time there was a girl that works there who was talking about how she had hardly had anything to eat that day and how she was dizzy because she'd only had breakfast and a small lunch and it was almost ten pm by then. She was talking about how it was at a point to where she hadn't eaten for so long that the idea of food was making her sick. Of course everyone there, all the guys, were acting all concerned and trying to get her to eat something. Of course she did eventually. I sat there and had to keep myself from beaming, I was so disgusted with myself because I was sitting there so proud. I was thinking about how I hadn't had anything to eat at all that day. I was thinking about how great it was that no one knew, no one even guessed it, I felt so proud of myself because I wasn't dizzy, I could handle it just fine and nobody had to know. I felt so immortal and powerful at that moment...that now I can remember why it is I used to do the things I did despite all logic. I remember now. It's because of that feeling, I could get drunk off that feeling. 

Of course, I made myself eat a few hours after that, made myself eat quite a lot and I kept it down. It's so unhealthy though. I don't even know anymore.
The thing is I'm okay with my weight like it is right now, I think. I feel very out of control though, not in control of myself or my feelings or my life. I've actually been very depressed, depressed and suicidal these past few days. I feel like I'm being suffocated and like my life is killing me. I feel like crying when I think about tomorrow or the next hour. What am I going to do? What am I going to do with my life? I feel so down on myself and like such a loser. I feel like I'll never be happy again. I feel so hopeless and pathetic. I don't want to talk about it with anyone because that doesn't feel like it's going to help at all. I'm getting really tired of people. And of him. I'm so tired of how I feel about him, and I don't want to care about him anymore. I was going to call him tonight and tell him that I don't think we work so well together, and that I don't want to get my feelings hurt. I wonder if that will upset him, and I wonder why I'm saying it. He treats me very kindly, he says really sweet things. But it just makes me so, so sad.
Besides, he likes to party and he's very well known in the Lafayette/Baton Rouge/New Orleans area with bands and people and I just feel like a nobody. I feel like any second he's going to realize what a loser I am and that I've just realized it before him and I have to end this before it catches up to him and he does.
I know this is ridiculous. The thing is that I love him and I don't know what to do with it. There's nothing to do with my feelings.
I feel so ugly and undeserving of any good things. I feel like as long as I feel like this nothing good is going to happen for me.

So I keep trying and trying and trying to smile at everyone and to be positive and to ignore the negativity in my life so that good things will come to me. I even started praying to absolutely no one every night...or maybe to everyone, to whoever might be listening, hoping that something will happen. I'm trying to get good things done for myself and not to depend on others, but I have no money. I have no car. I have no experience and I'm not old enough to do anything for myself...and yet I'm too old to not be doing things. I'm so frustrated and lonely but I don't want to see anyone. I don't hang out with my friends because I feel exhausted. I'm so tired.

My period came and went again in under two days which pisses me off. And Saturday I was bored and drummed my fingers on the counter top and my nails started peeling off in big flakes. I keep wondering why that is happening to me when I'm being so much more healthier than I used to. I don't want to be sick anymore. For god's sake, I want to do something right! I want to not be a screw up at absolutely everything. Just let something go right.
And then last night my mom walked in on me when I was getting ready to take a bath. I was so embarassed but she didn't leave because she saw all the bruises on my thighs and lower back and freaked out. They are pretty gnarly looking, but I don't know where they came from. She said it looks like vitamin deficiency to her and I am not taking another stupid blood test. I know I'm anemic. I know that I don't eat all my nutrients. I know all I eat is either nothing or complete crap. I don't know why but that was just a slap in the face of how bad I'm being about taking care of myself. I know that I can't keep on going like this. I know that soon I'm going to crash and burn emotionally or physically and I'm almost praying for it so that I can get some rest from this stupid self pity and depression.
I'm sorry for all the negativity.