Talking about it. Okay. So there are no more diet pills or caffine pills in my house anymore. I made a rash move and just got rid of all of them, thinking that that would get rid of my urge for them along with getting rid of them. I feel like...crap. I shouldn't just jump off of them cold turkey and I feel terrible. I don't understand why I even started taking them again in the first place. My head hurts, but I'm trying not to take any meds for that either because there is just something so convienient about popping pills to fix things, so easy. That's frightening to me.

 I just cannot sleep.

 

I hate my grandfather. That's the end of it. I cannot stand how he decides he can treat people like crap. I can't stand his nasty comments about weight to everyone in my family. I can't stand how he feels he needs to shove all of his anger and frustration on other people, it's not heatlhy for anyone. My mom finally gave in and asked him for money, and he was very cruel about the way he turned her down about it. There's nothing wrong with refusing to lend someone money, but you don't have to make such petty remarks about us. He basically insulted my mom and our family in any way he could. Our morals, our financial sitaution, our lifestyle, how we look, our education...everything. 

My mom was so upset, you could see it just by looking at her, but she just said that she was glad that he did that, she was glad that he lashed out like that because now she understood where he stands and that she's glad he basically disowned us because now we don't have to worry about getting hurt by him again. 

 I'm having a difficult time looking at it in that light.

 

I don't think I'm going to get to go to tribal belly dance class anymore because 1. we can't afford it and 2. it interferes with a job oppurtunity my mom has that would get us more money, so that's definitely a no go. I'm disappointed because tribal was like therapy to me. I've sacraficed my real therapy because of our money situation, and it's selfish, but I'm not sure how much more sacraficing I can take. It's embarassing and upsetting. I don't leave the house because everything costs money. I don't go on walks because they give me anxiety attacks. So all I do is sit at home and read until practice swings around for a show that I'm so nervous about being in anymore because I'm afraid that I'll screw it up...or that it will go very well and make it even harder to drop my classes that I can't afford. 

 

I miss Scott, and I miss Spencer. And I found out we might not even get to go to his wedding because of stupid, stupid, stupid (you guessed it) money problems. I'm so frustrated right now. I feel like running away, but even that costs time and money. I don't have either. 

 

Steven got in touch with me today, and he basically let me know about how he acts in relationships. He was trying to be honest with me, about how he makes a better friend than a boyfriend, and how he usually just ends up hurting people because he gets bored with them. I appreciate the honesty, I appreciate the heads up and all of that. That's great, but it really sucks. It sucks because I was right. I was right that he was probably that way, and that getting involved would hurt me in the long run. I was right when I told myself it was a stupid idea to give him my number. It's nice that he wants to be friends because that's what I wanted. It just is depressing to know that you can add another person to your list of people who are no good for you. I had been afraid I'd only get hurt all this time anyway.

 

 I have stretch marks on my thighs and legs and it angers me that I can't do anything about it. It angers me that I feel like right now I can't do anything about anything in my life. I can hope and try for things, but the money has the last say. I can eat healthy and exercise, but my feelings and inner critc are still going to be there, and it feels like I have no say in anything right now. There is nothing in my life I can control right now, not even my sleeping patterns. I can't function without something in my system helping me, obviously, because I feel terrible right now without anything like energy pills to keep me moving. 

 

Ben asked me a few months ago, "ha, you're 16, what could you possibly have to stress out about?" If I could give him one day...one day with this.