"But I've had some time to hone my lying techniques."

I've had some time away from him.

I am trying to slowly ease back into the idea of having to see Ben around a lot, and having to try and go back to being friends again. Or pretending to be friends again. I don't see how he's capable of doing it, I don't see how his heart (or at least his head) can handle it, being around Kait and I both at the same time. I still can't imagine how I would ever be able to sleep at night like that. I guess that's one thing I should count myself thankful for. I still have a heart. But really, am I any better? I still play along with the show around her. And I still find somehow at the end of the day a way to sleep. Sometimes. Maybe not tonight.

Most days I wonder if there was really anything I could have ever done to stop him from crossing the line and treating me differently. I wonder if it was something I said, or wore, or did that suddenly made things speed up so much more in the direction of being physical out of nowhere. I wonder if it was going to happen regardless. I want to blame myself for everything. 

I've been trying so hard not to think about it or talk about it or stay in places where he might be. That's very hard to do in this town. I feel like as long as I'm here doing this, as long as every other week I'm playing this game back and forth, I'm never going to get over it.

I should have known not to talk to Steven or drag him into this, it's a big mistake. I guess I thought I was doing something so far from the truth that it would be liberating and so exciting that I would forget about everything negative. Now it's just another name on a list, another insecurity I didn't intend on having. I don't get into situations anticipating that they will end with my feeling insecure, it just happens a lot.

I send Tanner messages in response to his bulletins, asking "what's up?" "how are you?" "everything okay?", of course no response. I figured we left on pretty good terms. But who knows anymore. It was always a roller coaster of extreme ups and downs with me and him. 

Now that Scott is gone I have some really important questions for him, and I want his opinion. I want to ask him what he would do if I were his daughter, as stupid as it sounds. I like to pretend he's a father sitting up for me at home, comforting my mother when she was crying today, bringing home a check monthly that would keep us secure instead of so afraid about each upcoming day. I imagine him shaking his head at my clothing choices and asking me questions about the boys I talk to. And even if it would annoy me, I would secretly be so happy when he told me to stop talking to half of them, and that all I needed to focus on was my schoolwork and my dear old dad.
Instead, I dreampt of him dying during a session of ours. 
I don't think I need a dad, I just need perfect attention is what I need because I'm spoiled.

I ate a huge amount of food today, but I think it will be okay as long as I don't wake up bloated. That might be a little too much.
Either way I'll be fine. I think I just need to go to sleep.

"Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone I could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?
Cause my pride is too sly to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I've had some time alone to hold my lies inside me
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
Tongue tied to a hating factory

But we all got wood and nails
Your tortured and hanging factory
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
Your tortured and hanging factory
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine"