I didn't get to sleep until pretty late last night, and I woke up before the sun came out to get to the Adult Education Center to take my pre-GED. I passed. I actually did...well, pretty darn good. That's changed everything around for me today because, honestly, I have no idea what I would have done if I had not done well on that test. I was so nervous about it and shaking, I went in there and just sucked it up and did it all the way through. They kept offering me a break to get up and move around, but I just wanted to do it all at once. I didn't miss any in reading comprehension or language, and even though math was my weakest subject in my results, I still made above the average test score. It was so nice to have that little accomplishment today because I've been feeling so down on myself, so much like a failure. I guess I have a perfectionist's standards for myself, but I just want to do this right.
I wish that they put more color in that place that administered the test though, it was so sad in there. I want to be the best drop out in the history of forever to change ignorant people's minds about getting your G.E.D.
I'm so tired of watching Audrey go to school every day and just being stuck here at home, but I have to wait to get all this stuff in order before I can start going again too.
I go back there tomorrow at one for orientation, and I have to find fifty dollars to cough up.
The reality of what is happening kind of slapped me in the face today though. Ms. Barbara explained to me about how long it would take for them to get my test scores back to me after I took the real G.E.D. She said, "And if you pass it, which I know you will, in a few weeks you'll get your diploma in the mail."
I'm going to get my diploma. My mom said that she's really proud of me, that she had her doubts but she's relieved that I'm doing so well. What's so wrong with what I'm doing? Why isn't it good enough. It seems like it's only good because I'm not a complete failure. I will have earned that diploma. I've worked so, so hard. Harder than I've ever worked, and with more dedication than I've ever had in public school. I swear by it. I really, really want this. I've sacrificed a lot, like that stupid, silly haircut I was so looking forward to to get this done, even if I have to do it all myself. Even if everyone secretly thinks that "it's not really your diploma...you didn't really, really graduate." Because there were no balloons and no one called out my name and presented it to me. Maybe that's not for me. And yeah, I'm so disappointed that I don't get to have that. I'm sad that I don't get all that fancy stuff like a class ring or a jacket or a prom.Yet. But I'll graduate from college and be so successful no one will even remember this year by then.
No one can tell me I don't deserve this. Except for me.
Turns out the lady who gave me the test and has helped me out all this time with studying, Ms. Barbara, used to have an eating disorder. She's very small and shaky, and her eyes look like they're bulging out on her face. She believes in me.