I never know what to say when I finally do update.
This whole week has been full of getting ready for the belly dance show in two weeks. My anxiety about it is really soaring right now.
My body image is terrible. Every morning I tell myself maybe I should cut back on fattening foods a little and eat really healthy (enough, but healthy) because I just...really dislike how I look right now. And by the end of every day, I've done the opposite and feel worse. Only to repeat the next day. There's got to be a better way than this. I'm barely hodling onto this motivation to eat correctly, and I feel like at any second all hell will break loose. Like all it will take is one comment about my weight or one more trigger to my day. And I get triggered easily, a lot triggers me, believe me.
So the elevator guy...his name is Steven, and I've been talking to him a lot lately. We do get along very well, but it just make.s me sad most of the time. I think about how we get a long well, and that makes me just more afraid of what will happen if he hurts me, or if I lose our friendship. It makes me want to stop talking ot him... but I feel like I'm just being paranoid thinking that way. Like, he said something that's led me to believe he definitely would only be interested in me until he got what he wanted. He was complaining about how far away I live from him (about three hours) and said that, "I wish I would have known we were gonna get along so well when i first met you. I would have just kissed you there in the elevator." This made me think that he meant maybe that if he would have kissed me on sight...he wouldn't have to be spending all this time talking with me now. I could be wrong, but instead of taking it as a compliment, it mostly sucked.
I just want to get away from everything so badly, I'm itching in my skin. I feel like crying all the time, and I don't know why.
The good news is that I might get a haircut and dye in a week or so, which would make me feel really happy. That's pathetic, but that would be wonderful. Altering my appearance in ways that aren't harmful to me...I wish I were a chameleon sometimes.