I'm sure that the overwhelming guilt about eating normally stops at some point. Well, maybe it never stops altogether, but hopefully it lessens as time goes on. If not, don't tell me...I need to have something to look forward to with this, even if I'm lying to myself.
I've had two really good meals today, and I kept them both down and I'm here because triggers are everywhere. And here where I keep typing and keep moving, it's hard to let myself stop and catch up on what I'm feeling. Bad, yeah, I'm sure.
I know that my need to please myself, to hunger, to take over the control, gets jumbled up in every day things in my life all the time. If it can't come out in eating, it sneaks through the cracks of my health shield and meddles in other aspects of my life. But when the damage is done at the end of the day...it all comes back to me blaming it on myself, it all comes back to me not being thin enough. Or at all.
I feel as though my body is constantly changing. One day I'm getting there, I feel thinner. The next I feel out of place and huge and clumsy. And others I feel strange and pretty average, which still manages to upset me. Sometimes it's just my butt or maybe my stomach or my legs or my arms that have put on weight in my eyes. I wish I were joking, but it all seems so real to me. It really does appear to my eyes that I change like this. Not like comically, movie morphing changes. But like, realistic looking (if that makes sense at all) changes.
Will this always be there? I don't know yet how to approach this problem at all.
I've just been trying to eat when I'm hungry and feel what I have to feel, even if it's misery or self hatred for a while. I just feel it and tell myself it's worth it. Tomorrow is worth it.
I ate well today, I think. Although lately it's hard to tell because I've been living off of what my mom brings back to me occasionally or whatever I can find the time to buy when out because our house is really lacking in the food department right now.
I did a tarot reading for myself today, and I was inspired by the cards I did pull. It made me think more deeply about this period in my life. It's not an ending. I keep looking at things in a series of the end. Things are just changing. I do have a lot of oppurtunities right now. And as scared as that makes me feel, I just grab onto my stuffed animals and know that I can always hold onto some old ways of life.
I just have to let a lot of other things go right now.
No Arizona, no Spencer or anything. We don't have enough money to make the trip.
If you've had/have an eating disorder then I'm sure you know what I mean when eventually reality and the truth kind of switch off with lies and denial. At least, I know this to be true. When I first began skipping meals and throwing up when I did eat in the sixth grade, I was ashamed about it and knew it was wrong. I was positive it couldn't be good for me, and I told myself I would stop eventually when I felt like I wanted to. That's funny. Looking at me now, that's hilarious. But anyway, there's some point that I don't know exactly when...when you just suddenly don't feel ashamed, you don't feel like you're being unhealthy. It feels like everyone else is wrong and you're right and they're trying to keep you from being happy. It's like all logic and a sense of reality gets thrown into the closet. You no longer tell yourself you'll stop eventually when you feel like it because you know it's unhealthy. No, you don't want to stop because you can't and you're afraid and you feel like this is the only healthy thing you have going for you, the only thing you have.
That is a place I never want to go back to again. It's like you're out in the ocean in the water somewhere and it's dark. You're alone with yourself. It feels like nothing is going to make you happy ever again.
I'm so glad that I belly dance.
Before a lot of other stuff happened last night my dad called me. It was weird to try to come up with something to say about how I was because I couldn't remember what I'd said since I last heard from him (my birthday). We usually talk on the phone about once a month and see each other about once a year. I finally told him about school. Of course he's disappointed and stuff, but he doesn't let it out on me. I can appreciate him for that, he doesn't take things out on me...he tries to hide what he's feeling until he gets off the phone. But it's my dad and I can tell he was upset. And he kept saying "well..." and trailing off. Ridiculous. I almost wish he'd have said it, "I'm let down by you." That would feel liberating.
I haven't seen Ben in almost a month. I've spent so much time hiding it and being embarassed by it. Telling myself I'm wrong, it's wrong. But it's not, and I miss him. I'm not over it, and it still hurts. And I'm still confused about everything, and I miss him and I miss what used to be. I just feel like crying all the time when I think about Rachael and Jennifer and Ben and Chris and Hannah and what I thought was a hard time in my life, but it was nothing at all.
About a year ago from now I woke up 101 pounds, and I cried because I felt gigantic.
I can't believe anything anymore. I can't trust how I feel right now. Look at what's happened. I dare you to look at it and smile.
Self worth. How much do I mean to me? How much do I mean to other people...? Am I worth sticking around for? Am I good enough to try for? Do I mkae me happy? Can I make someone else want to live? Can I make myself want to live?
Am I second best?
Am I the safety mat? Am I too nice? Am I too mean?
Am I ugly? Am I good enough? Am I good enough?
Tomorrow hurts my head.
I don't know if any of my friends have the patience...I don't know if I'm good enough to stick around for. Like I have to send out reminders...like I'm trying too hard and not doing enough. Not enough.
My family really needs a miracle right now. We're so in debt, it's ridiculous. We have a tank of gas and when that's gone I don't know...I have about fifteen dollars. I gave my mom my paycheck so that we wouldn't be in the red anymore in one of her bank accounts. In the shop bank account we're still in the red.
When I think about money problems I feel so out of control. I want to do drastic things.
I want to be back in control without handouts or anymore loans. I have dangerous ways of "taking control". So I stay in this limbo in between loss of control and helplessness.
I don't want anyone to know what I think about myself when I look in the mirror.
I don't want anyone to know what is always screaming in my mind, and I don't want anyone to know about money stuff. It's embarassing. Pity is embarassing. I'm embarassed of myself, everything about me.
I'm embarassed that I'm so upset and stiff and hurt right now. I hate people right now. I just hate the way things are working out. I miss all my friends who leave me. And I feel like things are beyond unfair right now.
I have these fantasies about getting back what's gone. I'd have to start all over. I'd have to miss out on a lot to gain back what's been gone. There's no even trade off here.
I want to cover myself in tattoos or clothing and close my eyes and feel beautiful.
I want to feel security. But my mom says security is purely fictional.
I saw my good friend Jason a few days ago, and I spent the night at his grandma's house. We stayed up half the night talking about everything. We discussed how much we missed the innocence that it felt like we used to have. He said he was happy though because it felt like I was one of the few who hadn't really changed. When I got into bed that night I felt so relieved because it seems like he hasn't either. No matter where we're at in life we can both spend the day or night with each other and end up in exactly the same, comfortable place. I don't feel so nervous wondering what he's thinking, and I was not afraid that he would try anything on me. And he didn't. I ate so well when I was there.
To live in fear of yourself is no way to live. I sit here feeling physical pain because I am too afraid to do anything with myself. I am afraid of what happens when I eat something, what will happen and how will I feel.
When I go back to Arizona fifteen pounds heavier then when my family last saw me, I wonder what they will say. I am regretting their sighs of relief that I'm alive and I've "filled out". I remember getting off the plane and everyone's eyes going wide. I remember my aunt pulling my mom aside and whispering loudly enough for everyone to hear, asking if I was sick or something. I don't want to go back and see Kim, and see dad and see everything that doesn't have a place for me. I don't want to go because I feel like there's no room in my head for it. And there's not enough room in all of Pheonix for what I'll be taking over there with me.
My mom is closing the shop. She's been crying and cursing and ranting all day about money problems. I really hate money. I really hate this.
I went to Ashley's and we went on a walk around midnight. It was dark and we went to the park and sat on the playground's slide. She said, "You know, you're the first person I've taken with me." I kept praying that she would never go out alone at night by herself again, but I know that she will. I'm getting the feeling lately that everyone I care about will keep doing harmful or risky things to themselves no matter how much I pray or cry over it. That makes me want to stay in bed most of the time.
But I have this feeling that any second now something is going to let up. I've been walking around holding my breath. Waiting for the camera crew or the check.
Truth be told I've been spending most of my time in bed. I don't want to ever trust anyone again after what she did, I don't want to talk to people because I'm constantly viewing them in the perspective of what kind of damage they could possibly due to me lately.
And if we're telling secrets here, I don't want to go to college. I don't want to get a job or make money. I want to live somewhere else and do whatever I want. I want to live in my dreams where sometimes things are scary or disturbing, but I know whatever gets dished out at me is just my own thoughts in my mind...and I can almost handle that. But everything else is just so overwhelming.
I did really well on my practice GED thing and the pressure is so on now. The pressure to be really awesome at life and to do great things so that I'm not a failure, so that I don't ever regret my choice.
After what she did to me I can't stand to even look at food today or yesterday or tomorrow. I can't stand to look at myself or to smile. To be honest, I just hope that I don't wake up.
Oh, and I'm in love.
Even though my naval piercing is still healing, I gave in last night and took a bath instead of a shower for the first time in over a month. I figured I didn't care if it got infected, I really needed it. So I scrubbed the tub, cleaned my piercing well, ran a bath and poured sea salt and epsom salt into the water and got it. Holy crap, I had forgotten how much a steaming hot bath clears my head and calms me down, I could have stayed there for hours, just thinking, or more like...letting my thoughts do what they will.
When I woke up this morning, my piercing was fine...in fact, it's better than ever.
I feel frustrated a lot because when I get on the phone with friends, I feel like I have so much to say, but I don't want to talk. I don't know where to begin, and I have no patience or strength to explain what's going on inside right now. It's not that no one would understand or that it's even that big of a deal, but I'm always afraid that they think that I don't want to talk. I just need some patience dealt towards me too, I guess.
I'm so tired and I just want to sleep all day. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.
I wish sometimes that we didn't have to eat, that food didn't exist and that we got our nourishment some other way. Things would be so much easier.
I went to my call back, I feel pretty good about it. We'll see.
I'm going to get to see Jason tonight, and that's pretty great. It's been a year, and it's nice to know that some things (even if they do change) can still be pretty much the same. It's not too late to throw rocks in the yellow stuff at the pond with him. And it's not too late to make jokes about tortillas. Even when I'm eighty I will still find that hilarious.
My stomach is driving me insane, I need to take down every mirror in my house because I can't stop obsessing. I had wendy's for lunch which probably wasn't the best idea when I'm feeling down on myself. But it's been kept down for about an hour now so it's going to be digested and it will be fine.
I'm taking the assessment test in Crowley on Tuesday so that I can get my GED. I'm sure that I'll do fine, I only have to score tenth grade level on this test before they let me take it. And Jason's grandma has some practice books to give me so I can study. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about what happens after. I've been going over in my head watching all my friends graduate and I can't stop being a baby and crying.
November 1st, in less than four months Spencer will be a married man. I saw her picture, and her name is Kim.
I think I am too critical of myself. I know I am way too critical of myself.
I am at a place where I can be healthy, I can do that. But I am still stuck in a place where every other thought is on food or weight or my body. I am constantly putting myself down for everything, and everything I do wrong somehow ties back into not being thin.
It's really hard to deal with, but I know for certain that I'm not over some things that have happened in my life. I'm not over them and I feel like I'm walking around with a million ghosts holding onto my neck and shoulders.
I'm always stressed out about everything. I don't know. I'm getting my G.E.D. in August, and tomorrow I go to call backs for that audition. The words don't sound right when I say them and they don't feel natural. I don't know if I want this or not.
I figure there are some things I feel I need to do in order to feel like I'm doing my share and really living. I guess I'm afraid to make a list of exactly what those things are yet because it would feel so final...like staring the meaning of my life there in black and right. And I've always been a rainbow, splashes of colors, and graffiti kind of girl anyway. With my mom's help, I think I may be enrolled to take classes at lsue this upcoming spring semester. I really miss Mr. Mouton. I started writing him a long myspace message to tell him that his band is great and that I miss him and how I'm scared about my future and how much I could use some solid advice from someone like him who I really look up to. I have to keep reminding myself how weird that would be though, and that I'm not as important to him as he is to me...in fact, he may not even remember me. Why am I so attatched anyway? I figure it's me pushing the role of father figure onto him or something. I just wish weren't so predictable sometimes.
