I went to the workshop today for training and to get a taste of what work for me will be like. Of course, I hadn't had any sleep, and my mom gave me a no-doze which I downed with two diet pepsis so I felt really sick and frantic, buzzing all over the place with caffine and no sleep.

I totally screwed up at lunch. My hands were shaking so violently from lack of sleep and stuff that I couldn't get a good hold on the fork when I was trying to eat my salad. I literally kept missing my mouth with the fork, my aim was all off because I was so exhausted. I finally gave up and just put my fork down and talked with everyone. I'm sure that it was obvious something was off.

It's so stressful because I'm supposed to be hiding my age all this time. I keep second guessing myself that I don't belong there with all these experienced women twice my age. Ms. Mary just kept telling me to say that I'm a college student and her intern when people asked about me. And I mean, it's pretty much true, but I feel off, like I don't belong. Running around making copies and taking notes and handing out things and meeting people who give me a look over because I obviously don't belong, even in nice clothes.

This isn't the kind of job I want to stick with, I hope she knows that. I don't see myself wearing nice suits and working in an office and all that comes with that. That's not the person who I am. I need to do something that is a good outlet for my creativity.
I mean, there's even a way I'm supposed to stand and sit and carry myself at all times so that I can "represent the company well". I don't represent companies, I represent me. But I need a job, and this job pays better and has better hours than all my alternatives. I need it, I'm desperate, my mom is desperate.

But I feel so undeserving, I don't want to let anyone down...I feel so inexperienced and clumsy around those people. I feel so young and insignificant.
I'm sure though that by the time this is over and I've been working for her for a while, and I'll have gotten a degree, I'll have a good amount of experience to get any "good job" out there that I want.
But I don't want a good job. I always saw myself traveling, or working a crap job during the day, auditioning and belly dancing by night.

And somewhere in between all this I have to remember to eat healthy. I took a nap and now I"m not very tired at all.
But I should try to sleep now anyway.