It's about eight o'clock in the morning now, and I am not one bit drowsy at all. I haven't gotten any sleep since sometime in the early afternoon yesterday. So another all-nighter.

In about three hours I'm going to show up for training for that job that I've been so terrified of losing for myself. I really need this job, but part of me just doesn't want it. I don't want to grow up some days. But right now I can't be happy unless I grow up and make some money so I can keep taking belly dance classes...class fees are approaching closer, scarily enough. I need to dig up $120 out of nothing.

I don't know why I can't sleep. I'm not even tired, I'm not sleepy at all. A little dizzy, but not tired.

My mom woke up to me sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea. She asked me why I'd been up all night for about the fourth time this week and I just shook my head and made a joke. I had been planning to have a serious talk with her when she woke up too...I was going to tell her that I'm very depressed and that something has to change, something is wrong and I don't know if it's me or if it's my life or my scheduale, but that I need some help. But all that came out was, "Haha, I guess I'm feeling bad." And she asked why and I couldn't stop smiling, I couldn't stop smiling and lying, "I don't know, maybe my period's coming."

In my head I was screaming to get the words out, but I couldn't stop laughing and smiling and making jokes. Why does that always happen when I'm with people, or my mom, or Scott?

Mom wants to pick me up some caffine tablets for today because she doesn't want me to screw up this job opportunity either and doze off or something. I don't know how to tell her she shouldn't do that, that I'm not tired at all. I feel like I never will be. And I don't know how to warn her of what a terrible thing that would be to have in the house. I was screaming it in my head, but my lips were frozen in a fake smile.  don't understand myself.

Am I doing this on purpose? Why am I so good at hurting myself?

She asked me if I was feeling bad about myself again, and if that was why I was up so late nowadays. I hate that question, I really hate that question. Of course I'm feeling bad about myself, I always feel bad about myself. I don't get to pick and choose days or moments for when I'm going to feel great and bad. I'm always insecure and feel bad about myself. It's been that way.
But all I could see was my mom who diets and exercises like a maniac anyway, my mom who blames every single one of my slip ups on her being too much of a "casual parent". So I just told her, "No, I'm fine."
And she was fine with that.

For the first time in a very, very long time I went into Walmart today, carrying my bulky, old, beloved CD player with me. It's silly to admit, but my hands were shaking. I pushed my own cart past the arcade and the toy motorcycle, and went everywhere else that I needed to go first. I kept looking over my shoulder nervously. I don't know what I was expecting. I got bedding for my guinea pig, diet pepsi, and I picked up a package of the familliar yellow and purple diet pills that I used to eat like candy whenever I felt sad or just tired. Or hungry. Or empty...lonely. I studied them thoughtfully, like if I looked long enough they would tell me what I needed to know, they could answer my questions.

I put them in the cart and walked around for a while, test driving almost. Trying on the idea I had.

I went to the electronics and held my breath. I needed batteries. I kept looking over my shoulder. I stopped and leaned against the cart and watched that place. I just kept watching, as if somehow if I stared enough, it could tell me what was missing and why things turn out to be the way they do.

I picked up the brightly colored package of pills and walked over to the dvd section.
When no one was looking, I stuffed the package behind a dvd you once pointed out to me, you wanted it for your birthday.
I walked away smiling.
I think I hope they're still there.

Trying to walk away from two of my worst habits, I wonder if I'll ever know what I want anymore.
I guess I have time. Actually, time is all I have right now.