I have been lying in bed sleepless for almost four hours. Now I'm here updating real quick with a cup of tea that will hopefully put me to sleep, but even if it did, I'd have to get up in two hours or so. All I have to say is that insomnia sucks.

Claire called me today and mentioned that her new therapist says she has insomnia because it's usually two in the morning before she can ever fall asleep nowadays. Sometimes I want to cross my fingers and hope that she could feel what insomnia is really like. What it's like to miss out on important tests (like the one I stayed up all night worked up about until six in the morning and missed yesterday), important opportunities (like the one that I'm going to sabbotage for myself today), and important time that you'll never get back.

Claire also called to tell me that she has informed her mom of all the terrible things I've done, and the people I've had sex with, and that she's upset because her mom doesn't want her to have anything to do with me from now on. "Delete her from your myspace!" Already done, Claire's mom, already done. "And never talk to her again!" I thought that was her initial plan, seeing as I'm so terrible a friend already.

My head is killing me, it really is. I think that it's going to split in two, it hurts so much.

I dislike my body very much. I don't like myself. I'm not happy anymore. I feel lonely all the time, but when people are around I want to be left alone.
I just really dislike my body.

I'm looking at everything backwards, and it's reflecting on my mental state.
I keep seeing all of this as slowly undoing everything I worked so hard on, instead of slowly progressing towards health, towards something good. I feel like people are coming into my house and trashing and breaking things right now and it makes me feel panicked and upset.

I wonder if I need a new therapist. I really like Scott, love him even. But that's the problem. That's the point, I don't want to disappoint him. And that's not how a therapist/patient relationship should be. I want to lie to him about everything so I won't hurt him, I'm looking at this as more of a friendship than his job, than counseling sessions.

I need some relief.

I need to feel calm and okay. I should probably try to go back to sleep and get the couple hours I can. I don't want to screw up this thing that's going for me too.