I've been taking practice tests and studying up on all my weak points for about three hours now. I still feel unprepared and afraid about passing at all. My weak-point is still math, although on the last test I took I only missed four in math this time.

I don't know how to explain how hard I've been working so that I can get a good education. I've been working my butt off so that I can have the same chances as everyone else to go to school at the level that is appropriate for me.

My friend posted a bulletin on Myspace about the school jackets coming in and how they're cool. I want a jacket and a class ring too.

I've been studying and working harder than I ever did at MACA, which is upsetting because I won't get the degree when I feel like I really am smart enough to do anything I want, you know? And if not, I'm a really fast learner. I took yet another test proving what grade level I'm at. And you know what, I deserve to brag a little and all signs show that I'm beyond high school level. So I wish that people would stop treating me like I'm dumb, like I'm taking the easy way out, like I'm foolish for dropping out.

As Scott pointed out, I'm not dropping out of school. I'm continuing my education by leaving high school and going to college. I'm not dropping out and falling behind. I'm jumping ahead. So I wish people would stop making me feel like I don't know anything. This is NOT the easy way out, this is the hardest thing I've ever done, if I wanted to be lazy and take the easy way out I would have dropped out and not done all that I'm doing. Or I would have repeated the tenth grade and relearned everything so that I wouldn't have to do any work that's hard. It would be so much more acceptable and socially "normal" and easy to deal with as far as how others treat me and the work difficulty to just give in, suck it up, shut up, and repeat. But I didn't choose the easy way out. I don't care what anyone says. No one can say they understand, and no one has a right to judge me unless they've been through what I'm going through, and done all that I've applied myself to do.

And when I get my bachelor's degree, no one's going to care if I graduated from high school or got my GED, it won't matter. I'll have a degree, and to be honest, I'll have worked twice as hard as a lot of people to get it. This is really scary to me, and sometimes it seems unfair.

But I'm also excited to kick some major ignorant butt as far as this whole process goes. I'm setting a new standard for students, that's my goal. If the schoolboard wanted to set an example out of me...I'll give them an example. A successful, confident, hard working, down-to-eath, non-judgemental student who will someday make twice what they do.

I promise.

"What am I doing here?
What am I waiting for?
Will somebody fall from heaven
And join me on the floor?

Why am I holding out...
Pretending it might be sent?
I will not understand this
Any better than
If sugar falls
All over me
If sugar falls,
Then we'll see

So I'll wait
As I always wait
As I always wait
For something more.

What If I try escaping this...
Hoping for some repair?
Then what if all this heartache,
Follows to find me there?"

I have to, have to, have to, absolutely must study for my practice GED test tomorrow. Seriously. I need to do that, now.
Ehhh.

I think I'm going to start slowly but surely keeping track of what I eat as far as vitamins and nutrients go. I have a feeling I'm missing out on key things that should be in my diet, but I've been afraid to even go back and analyze what I eat even a little at all because even a step in that direction (the direction of controlling what I eat) is just asking for trouble.

But how to go about it...? I'll ask Scott. Although he'll probably tell me not to worry about it. I want to be healthy though, really healthy without any regrets. Is that impossible?

I'm sure that the overwhelming guilt about eating normally stops at some point. Well, maybe it never stops altogether, but hopefully it lessens as time goes on. If not, don't tell me...I need to have something to look forward to with this, even if I'm lying to myself.

I've had two really good meals today, and I kept them both down and I'm here because triggers are everywhere. And here where I keep typing and keep moving, it's hard to let myself stop and catch up on what I'm feeling. Bad, yeah, I'm sure.

I know that my need to please myself, to hunger, to take over the control, gets jumbled up in every day things in my life all the time. If it can't come out in eating, it sneaks through the cracks of my health shield and meddles in other aspects of my life. But when the damage is done at the end of the day...it all comes back to me blaming it on myself, it all comes back to me not being thin enough. Or at all.

I feel as though my body is constantly changing. One day I'm getting there, I feel thinner. The next I feel out of place and huge and clumsy. And others I feel strange and pretty average, which still manages to upset me. Sometimes it's just my butt or maybe my stomach or my legs or my arms that have put on weight in my eyes. I wish I were joking, but it all seems so real to me. It really does appear to my eyes that I change like this. Not like comically, movie morphing changes. But like, realistic looking (if that makes sense at all) changes.

Will this always be there? I don't know yet how to approach this problem at all.
I've just been trying to eat when I'm hungry and feel what I have to feel, even if it's misery or self hatred for a while. I just feel it and tell myself it's worth it. Tomorrow is worth it.