No Arizona, no Spencer or anything. We don't have enough money to make the trip.  

If you've had/have an eating disorder then I'm sure you know what I mean when eventually reality and the truth kind of switch off with lies and denial. At least, I know this to be true. When I first began skipping meals and throwing up when I did eat in the sixth grade, I was ashamed about it and knew it was wrong. I was positive it couldn't be good for me, and I told myself I would stop eventually when I felt like I wanted to. That's funny. Looking at me now, that's hilarious. But anyway, there's some point that I don't know exactly when...when you just suddenly don't feel ashamed, you don't feel like you're being unhealthy. It feels like everyone else is wrong and you're right and they're trying to keep you from being happy. It's like all logic and a sense of reality gets thrown into the closet. You no longer tell yourself you'll stop eventually when you feel like it because you know it's unhealthy. No, you don't want to stop because you can't and you're afraid and you feel like this is the only healthy thing you have going for you, the only thing you have.

That is a place I never want to go back to again. It's like you're out in the ocean in the water somewhere and it's dark. You're alone with yourself. It feels like nothing is going to make you happy ever again.

I'm so glad that I belly dance.   

Before a lot of other stuff happened last night my dad called me. It was weird to try to come up with something to say about how I was because I couldn't remember what I'd said since I last heard from him (my birthday). We usually talk on the phone about once a month and see each other about once a year. I finally told him about school. Of course he's disappointed and stuff, but he doesn't let it out on me. I can appreciate him for that, he doesn't take things out on me...he tries to hide what he's feeling until he gets off the phone. But it's my dad and I can tell he was upset. And he kept saying "well..." and trailing off. Ridiculous. I almost wish he'd have said it, "I'm let down by you." That would feel liberating.

I haven't seen Ben in almost a month. I've spent so much time hiding it and being embarassed by it. Telling myself I'm wrong, it's wrong. But it's not, and I miss him. I'm not over it, and it still hurts. And I'm still confused about everything, and I miss him and I miss what used to be. I just feel like crying all the time when I think about Rachael and Jennifer and Ben and Chris and Hannah and what I thought was a hard time in my life, but it was nothing at all.

About a year ago from now I woke up 101 pounds, and I cried because I felt gigantic.
I can't believe anything anymore. I can't trust how I feel right now. Look at what's happened. I dare you to look at it and smile.