Self worth. How much do I mean to me? How much do I mean to other people...? Am I worth sticking around for? Am I good enough to try for? Do I mkae me happy? Can I make someone else want to live? Can I make myself want to live?

Am I second best?

Am I the safety mat? Am I too nice? Am I too mean?

Am I ugly? Am I good enough? Am I good enough?

Tomorrow hurts my head.
I don't know if any of my friends have the patience...I don't know if I'm good enough to stick around for. Like I have to send out reminders...like I'm trying too hard and not doing enough. Not enough.
My family really needs a miracle right now. We're so in debt, it's ridiculous. We have a tank of gas and when that's gone I don't know...I have about fifteen dollars. I gave my mom my paycheck so that we wouldn't be in the red anymore in one of her bank accounts. In the shop bank account we're still in the red.

When I think about money problems I feel so out of control. I want to do drastic things.
I want to be back in control without handouts or anymore loans. I have dangerous ways of "taking control". So I stay in this limbo in between loss of control and helplessness.
I don't want anyone to know what I think about myself when I look in the mirror.
I don't want anyone to know what is always screaming in my mind, and I don't want anyone to know about money stuff. It's embarassing. Pity is embarassing. I'm embarassed of myself, everything about me.
I'm embarassed that I'm so upset and stiff and hurt right now. I hate people right now. I just hate the way things are working out. I miss all my friends who leave me. And I feel like things are beyond unfair right now.

I have these fantasies about getting back what's gone. I'd have to start all over. I'd have to miss out on a lot to gain back what's been gone. There's no even trade off here.

I want to cover myself in tattoos or clothing and close my eyes and feel beautiful.
I want to feel security. But my mom says security is purely fictional.