I saw my good friend Jason a few days ago, and I spent the night at his grandma's house. We stayed up half the night talking about everything. We discussed how much we missed the innocence that it felt like we used to have. He said he was happy though because it felt like I was one of the few who hadn't really changed. When I got into bed that night I felt so relieved because it seems like he hasn't either. No matter where we're at in life we can both spend the day or night with each other and end up in exactly the same, comfortable place. I don't feel so nervous wondering what he's thinking, and I was not afraid that he would try anything on me. And he didn't. I ate so well when I was there.

To live in fear of yourself is no way to live. I sit here feeling physical pain because I am too afraid to do anything with myself. I am afraid of what happens when I eat something, what will happen and how will I feel.

When I go back to Arizona fifteen pounds heavier then when my family last saw me, I wonder what they will say. I am regretting their sighs of relief that I'm alive and I've "filled out". I remember getting off the plane and everyone's eyes going wide. I remember my aunt pulling my mom aside and whispering loudly enough for everyone to hear, asking if I was sick or something. I don't want to go back and see Kim, and see dad and see everything that doesn't have a place for me. I don't want to go because I feel like there's no room in my head for it. And there's not enough room in all of Pheonix for what I'll be taking over there with me.

My mom is closing the shop. She's been crying and cursing and ranting all day about money problems. I really hate money. I really hate this.

I went to Ashley's and we went on a walk around midnight. It was dark and we went to the park and sat on the playground's slide. She said, "You know, you're the first person I've taken with me." I kept praying that she would never go out alone at night by herself again, but I know that she will. I'm getting the feeling lately that everyone I care about will keep doing harmful or risky things to themselves no matter how much I pray or cry over it. That makes me want to stay in bed most of the time.

But I have this feeling that any second now something is going to let up. I've been walking around holding my breath. Waiting for the camera crew or the check.

Truth be told I've been spending most of my time in bed. I don't want to ever trust anyone again after what she did, I don't want to talk to people because I'm constantly viewing them in the perspective of what kind of damage they could possibly due to me lately.

And if we're telling secrets here, I don't want to go to college. I don't want to get a job or make money. I want to live somewhere else and do whatever I want. I want to live in my dreams where sometimes things are scary or disturbing, but I know whatever gets dished out at me is just my own thoughts in my mind...and I can almost handle that. But everything else is just so overwhelming.

I did really well on my practice GED thing and the pressure is so on now. The pressure to be really awesome at life and to do great things so that I'm not a failure, so that I don't ever regret my choice.

After what she did to me I can't stand to even look at food today or yesterday or tomorrow. I can't stand to look at myself or to smile. To be honest, I just hope that I don't wake up.

Oh, and I'm in love.