Most of my clothes aren't fitting right again, I keep getting bigger and bigger. I know I could be imagining it, but I swear I'm not. This is to be expected with being healthy, I get it. I understand. I don't have to be happy about it, I don't have to be excited about it. I definitely don't like it. It feels like people around me stay the same or lose...I get grateful when I hear someone who is gaining also, when someone is going through the scary event that is having to throw out old clothing that used to fit.

I saw a movie the other night with a friend and in it the main character loses a lot of weight to the point where she looks very unhealthy, pale and just sickly. I realize now that my mindset is still in the gutter and hasn't progressed as much because the first emotion that came over me was jealousy when I saw her. She was exactly like what my old "goal" used to be to become. I understand that I won't be happy that thin, I won't be able to do the things that make me happy...I won't be able to do belly dancing or anything like that. And when I got there, I probably wouldn't be able to recognize how small I was anyway. But it still made me think. It is not that my perception of beauty is off. I see women of natural, healthy size and feel admiration and a sense of affection towards them. I don't think people should look unhealthy or even skinny. I don't like what it looks like. But even so, I feel I have to look that way so badly sometimes, so badly that it feels like an ocd thing, like it's this manic need to be that way or something bad will happen to me.

I never questioned myself "why?" before. But I am now and I'm realizing I have no idea and that sometimes I'm afraid to know.

I won't act on it, and I'm just going to try harder to get better mentally, you know? But it's so hard to explain and to not feel like a hypocrite all the time because of it. I realize now that it's not a weight thing to me anymore, it's not totally about looks. It's something that runs so much deeper and that makes it hard to change.  

My period only lasted two days again this month. That's okay, I guess. I don't know if that's normal or not. Different people are saying different things. Maybe that's all it can ever be again, I don't know. I feel like it's my fault, like I did something to it to where it's never going to be normal again.