So as is tradition with any American holiday, I stuffed my face yesterday. But I had a really good time doing it. I don't know how to explain the extreme discomfort that is to feel the "need" to purge and to force yourself not to. It is almost impossible to distract yourself even slightly from this gnawing feeling in your gut and throat. I pace a lot. A mouthful doesn't count, I wanted to tell myself. I want to say that today went purge free, but a mouthful does count.

But it's one step closer to nothing, right?

If things go as planned in a month or two I should be a belly dance teacher. I think I want to do this right so badly that it may be my downfall because I want it so much.

So how do you re-teach yourself what good and bad is? How do you teach yourself that good is filling out and being healthy and bad is losing weight when it used to make you so incredibly happy...or full. It used to make me full, more complete than anything else...until the affect wore off and I would go back to nothing, empty. I have a few things to teach myself. Each day I am reminded by the clothing I wear and the scale my family insists on keeping the bathroom of the choice I have made to live. I am very grateful for all that I have. So who cares if some screwed up part of me is angry and terrified because I am healthy?

Monday I should be getting an e-mail from Tabitha, the lady who ran the audtions last monday in Lafayette. She should be sending me scene from the film for me to read for them on Thursday. I figure if I just go in and do what feels right, what is supposed to happen will happen. And I am desperately trying to not get my hopes up. I know it's a process, I've been doing this for way too long. So I'm trying not to hold my breath since I'm already busy pacing.