I got my nose pierced. I went to tribal belly dancing for the first time in two weeks today. It's too bad it's cancelled next week, I really need it some days.
I saw Scott today. He seems worried, leaning towards me and his eyebrows wrinkling up when I talk about how I feel about myself, about my brother, and about food and what control means to me. He shakes his head because I have left him speechless. We both go around in circles every session, me and him. I feel sorry for him because even when I'm willing to open up finally, he's baffled sometimes.
I am having issues with caffeine pills again. I feel out of control and lonely. I want to call Spencer, but I don't know what to say. His voice will sound annoyed like it always does, and I don't want to accidentilly start crying on the phone with him. He hates crying and he gets really quiet and closed off out of discomfort when someone starts crying. I've seen him cry once in my entire life and he never talks about it. He hates crying. I wish that I were him. I wish that I were strong and going somewhere and so...sure of myself like he is. I wish I weren't such an emotional, out of control crybaby.
I think I embarass him. You would never tell we were related, and I used to like that...I used to like that we were both oppisites almost and we could walk down the street and look like two friends hanging out, not like brother and sister. But I want to make him proud to say I'm related to him, I want him to want to call me.
I bet he doesn't even think about me. Ever.
I missed my appoitment with Scott today, and everything is falling apart. Everything is terrible and I don't know what to do. Most days I feel like I can't breathe and like I'm going to cry. I feel like I'm trapped in a box and that I'll never get out. I feel suffocated and out of control, I feel like I'll never be happy again.
I feel ugly and like a slave to my emotions and the people around me. I want to cry when I think about tomorrow or next month. When I think of myself a year from now I can't see it...I can't see myself progressing or growing from here.
I wish that I were a baby again, or that I was Spencer. But I'm just Amy. I'm just...this.
I've been giving a great deal of thought to the subject of time. How much time I do and don't have. I don't have time for this, and I don't have time to work my way towards death while my body fights me. My body wants to live right now. One day it won't, so why am I fighting it right now? Nope, no time for this mess.
I always want what I can't have.
God, I need some hope.
I went to the workshop today for training and to get a taste of what work for me will be like. Of course, I hadn't had any sleep, and my mom gave me a no-doze which I downed with two diet pepsis so I felt really sick and frantic, buzzing all over the place with caffine and no sleep.
I totally screwed up at lunch. My hands were shaking so violently from lack of sleep and stuff that I couldn't get a good hold on the fork when I was trying to eat my salad. I literally kept missing my mouth with the fork, my aim was all off because I was so exhausted. I finally gave up and just put my fork down and talked with everyone. I'm sure that it was obvious something was off.
It's so stressful because I'm supposed to be hiding my age all this time. I keep second guessing myself that I don't belong there with all these experienced women twice my age. Ms. Mary just kept telling me to say that I'm a college student and her intern when people asked about me. And I mean, it's pretty much true, but I feel off, like I don't belong. Running around making copies and taking notes and handing out things and meeting people who give me a look over because I obviously don't belong, even in nice clothes.
This isn't the kind of job I want to stick with, I hope she knows that. I don't see myself wearing nice suits and working in an office and all that comes with that. That's not the person who I am. I need to do something that is a good outlet for my creativity.
I mean, there's even a way I'm supposed to stand and sit and carry myself at all times so that I can "represent the company well". I don't represent companies, I represent me. But I need a job, and this job pays better and has better hours than all my alternatives. I need it, I'm desperate, my mom is desperate.
But I feel so undeserving, I don't want to let anyone down...I feel so inexperienced and clumsy around those people. I feel so young and insignificant.
I'm sure though that by the time this is over and I've been working for her for a while, and I'll have gotten a degree, I'll have a good amount of experience to get any "good job" out there that I want.
But I don't want a good job. I always saw myself traveling, or working a crap job during the day, auditioning and belly dancing by night.
And somewhere in between all this I have to remember to eat healthy. I took a nap and now I"m not very tired at all.
But I should try to sleep now anyway.
It's about eight o'clock in the morning now, and I am not one bit drowsy at all. I haven't gotten any sleep since sometime in the early afternoon yesterday. So another all-nighter.
In about three hours I'm going to show up for training for that job that I've been so terrified of losing for myself. I really need this job, but part of me just doesn't want it. I don't want to grow up some days. But right now I can't be happy unless I grow up and make some money so I can keep taking belly dance classes...class fees are approaching closer, scarily enough. I need to dig up $120 out of nothing.
I don't know why I can't sleep. I'm not even tired, I'm not sleepy at all. A little dizzy, but not tired.
My mom woke up to me sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea. She asked me why I'd been up all night for about the fourth time this week and I just shook my head and made a joke. I had been planning to have a serious talk with her when she woke up too...I was going to tell her that I'm very depressed and that something has to change, something is wrong and I don't know if it's me or if it's my life or my scheduale, but that I need some help. But all that came out was, "Haha, I guess I'm feeling bad." And she asked why and I couldn't stop smiling, I couldn't stop smiling and lying, "I don't know, maybe my period's coming."
In my head I was screaming to get the words out, but I couldn't stop laughing and smiling and making jokes. Why does that always happen when I'm with people, or my mom, or Scott?
Mom wants to pick me up some caffine tablets for today because she doesn't want me to screw up this job opportunity either and doze off or something. I don't know how to tell her she shouldn't do that, that I'm not tired at all. I feel like I never will be. And I don't know how to warn her of what a terrible thing that would be to have in the house. I was screaming it in my head, but my lips were frozen in a fake smile. don't understand myself.
Am I doing this on purpose? Why am I so good at hurting myself?
She asked me if I was feeling bad about myself again, and if that was why I was up so late nowadays. I hate that question, I really hate that question. Of course I'm feeling bad about myself, I always feel bad about myself. I don't get to pick and choose days or moments for when I'm going to feel great and bad. I'm always insecure and feel bad about myself. It's been that way.
But all I could see was my mom who diets and exercises like a maniac anyway, my mom who blames every single one of my slip ups on her being too much of a "casual parent". So I just told her, "No, I'm fine."
And she was fine with that.
For the first time in a very, very long time I went into Walmart today, carrying my bulky, old, beloved CD player with me. It's silly to admit, but my hands were shaking. I pushed my own cart past the arcade and the toy motorcycle, and went everywhere else that I needed to go first. I kept looking over my shoulder nervously. I don't know what I was expecting. I got bedding for my guinea pig, diet pepsi, and I picked up a package of the familliar yellow and purple diet pills that I used to eat like candy whenever I felt sad or just tired. Or hungry. Or empty...lonely. I studied them thoughtfully, like if I looked long enough they would tell me what I needed to know, they could answer my questions.
I put them in the cart and walked around for a while, test driving almost. Trying on the idea I had.
I went to the electronics and held my breath. I needed batteries. I kept looking over my shoulder. I stopped and leaned against the cart and watched that place. I just kept watching, as if somehow if I stared enough, it could tell me what was missing and why things turn out to be the way they do.
I picked up the brightly colored package of pills and walked over to the dvd section.
When no one was looking, I stuffed the package behind a dvd you once pointed out to me, you wanted it for your birthday.
I walked away smiling.
I think I hope they're still there.
Trying to walk away from two of my worst habits, I wonder if I'll ever know what I want anymore.
I guess I have time. Actually, time is all I have right now.
I have been lying in bed sleepless for almost four hours. Now I'm here updating real quick with a cup of tea that will hopefully put me to sleep, but even if it did, I'd have to get up in two hours or so. All I have to say is that insomnia sucks.
Claire called me today and mentioned that her new therapist says she has insomnia because it's usually two in the morning before she can ever fall asleep nowadays. Sometimes I want to cross my fingers and hope that she could feel what insomnia is really like. What it's like to miss out on important tests (like the one I stayed up all night worked up about until six in the morning and missed yesterday), important opportunities (like the one that I'm going to sabbotage for myself today), and important time that you'll never get back.
Claire also called to tell me that she has informed her mom of all the terrible things I've done, and the people I've had sex with, and that she's upset because her mom doesn't want her to have anything to do with me from now on. "Delete her from your myspace!" Already done, Claire's mom, already done. "And never talk to her again!" I thought that was her initial plan, seeing as I'm so terrible a friend already.
My head is killing me, it really is. I think that it's going to split in two, it hurts so much.
I dislike my body very much. I don't like myself. I'm not happy anymore. I feel lonely all the time, but when people are around I want to be left alone.
I just really dislike my body.
I'm looking at everything backwards, and it's reflecting on my mental state.
I keep seeing all of this as slowly undoing everything I worked so hard on, instead of slowly progressing towards health, towards something good. I feel like people are coming into my house and trashing and breaking things right now and it makes me feel panicked and upset.
I wonder if I need a new therapist. I really like Scott, love him even. But that's the problem. That's the point, I don't want to disappoint him. And that's not how a therapist/patient relationship should be. I want to lie to him about everything so I won't hurt him, I'm looking at this as more of a friendship than his job, than counseling sessions.
I need some relief.
I need to feel calm and okay. I should probably try to go back to sleep and get the couple hours I can. I don't want to screw up this thing that's going for me too.
I've been taking practice tests and studying up on all my weak points for about three hours now. I still feel unprepared and afraid about passing at all. My weak-point is still math, although on the last test I took I only missed four in math this time.
I don't know how to explain how hard I've been working so that I can get a good education. I've been working my butt off so that I can have the same chances as everyone else to go to school at the level that is appropriate for me.
My friend posted a bulletin on Myspace about the school jackets coming in and how they're cool. I want a jacket and a class ring too.
I've been studying and working harder than I ever did at MACA, which is upsetting because I won't get the degree when I feel like I really am smart enough to do anything I want, you know? And if not, I'm a really fast learner. I took yet another test proving what grade level I'm at. And you know what, I deserve to brag a little and all signs show that I'm beyond high school level. So I wish that people would stop treating me like I'm dumb, like I'm taking the easy way out, like I'm foolish for dropping out.
As Scott pointed out, I'm not dropping out of school. I'm continuing my education by leaving high school and going to college. I'm not dropping out and falling behind. I'm jumping ahead. So I wish people would stop making me feel like I don't know anything. This is NOT the easy way out, this is the hardest thing I've ever done, if I wanted to be lazy and take the easy way out I would have dropped out and not done all that I'm doing. Or I would have repeated the tenth grade and relearned everything so that I wouldn't have to do any work that's hard. It would be so much more acceptable and socially "normal" and easy to deal with as far as how others treat me and the work difficulty to just give in, suck it up, shut up, and repeat. But I didn't choose the easy way out. I don't care what anyone says. No one can say they understand, and no one has a right to judge me unless they've been through what I'm going through, and done all that I've applied myself to do.
And when I get my bachelor's degree, no one's going to care if I graduated from high school or got my GED, it won't matter. I'll have a degree, and to be honest, I'll have worked twice as hard as a lot of people to get it. This is really scary to me, and sometimes it seems unfair.
But I'm also excited to kick some major ignorant butt as far as this whole process goes. I'm setting a new standard for students, that's my goal. If the schoolboard wanted to set an example out of me...I'll give them an example. A successful, confident, hard working, down-to-eath, non-judgemental student who will someday make twice what they do.
I promise.
"What am I doing here?
What am I waiting for?
Will somebody fall from heaven
And join me on the floor?
Why am I holding out...
Pretending it might be sent?
I will not understand this
Any better than
If sugar falls
All over me
If sugar falls,
Then we'll see
So I'll wait
As I always wait
As I always wait
For something more.
What If I try escaping this...
Hoping for some repair?
Then what if all this heartache,
Follows to find me there?"
I have to, have to, have to, absolutely must study for my practice GED test tomorrow. Seriously. I need to do that, now.
Ehhh.
I think I'm going to start slowly but surely keeping track of what I eat as far as vitamins and nutrients go. I have a feeling I'm missing out on key things that should be in my diet, but I've been afraid to even go back and analyze what I eat even a little at all because even a step in that direction (the direction of controlling what I eat) is just asking for trouble.
But how to go about it...? I'll ask Scott. Although he'll probably tell me not to worry about it. I want to be healthy though, really healthy without any regrets. Is that impossible?
