Had a purging issue the day before yesterday, I ended up throwing up in the shower. Of course, I did a million times better yesterday. And today I'm going to go with my family to pick up one of my best friends Rachael in New Orleans. I don't know how to explain how comforting that is to me...it's going to be like having a little piece of security of "the old times" with me, but she's also growing and changing along with me and my other friends, so it will be a good reminder that the present times are just as good in their own way, if not better. I had a really awesome time hanging out with Brandon tonight and I did not feel as embarassed about myself as I did last time about the whole issue with Jacob. I felt a lot more happy and it was a good time.
And I haven't heard from Ceslie since right before her plane flight yesterday, I sent her a text message and she didn't reply. I keep praying that she's just really busy and having an awesome time in London and that everything is okay. I hope that she gets in touch with me soon because I'm worried.
I'm really grateful that I'm alive. Because I know that I've got time to do amazing things, if I want to take that chance. I have to do what I want to do, not what's not going to upset people. And I'm thinking...I'm dropping out and getting my G.E.D. and I'm going to keep bellydancing and just see where everything takes me. I'm not looking for anything in particular...and I don't need to have a set plan to do great things, just trust in myself that I can do them.
I got my belly button pierced today with my mom. It was very entertaining and even a little fun. I don't even know if I like it yet, but I figure it gives me more bling for bellydancing, so that's cool. It hurts and is bleeding a little right now but that's fine.
So today was bad but it was okay. I met with the therapist and we had a loooong talk about triggers and feeling empty and sex and anger and self worth. I was really upset today and I don't feel like talking about it yet because I have a feeling when I do I'm going to get really upset and it's bad but I don't want to face reality yet. I don't want to have to tell all my friends about it, and I don't want to be a failure. I can't do anything about it, and it's very miserable.
In tribal today I was really happy with myself for my leading skills and for how much I've improved at zills and at the moves in general. I'm no longer so, so afraid of leading, it's actually kind of fun when you get the butterflies out of your tummy.
I talked to Jacob today. He texted me and wanted to know what was up, and I told him I was going to pierce my naval and we joked about how he should get one too. It's kind of scary because we were talking like friends and I would prefer if we didn't talk at all because I don't want to see him anymore. But it did make me feel better to know that he wasn't totally grossed out or bored or done with me just because I slept with him. It makes me feel like I can't be all that bad if he's not avoiding me like I have a disease.
I'm sitting here thinking about the choices I've made this year and how almost all of them are kicking me in the butt right now. Except for the health thing and for the bellydancing thing. It's all a really big mess, and I'm really too tired to deal with it.
I ate pretty well today, and I had waffle fries which is awesome. Not too much, not too little.
I wish that I were a different person sometimes. I look at my future and want to cry at the thought of it being anything like how things are right now. I don't really know how to explain it, but I'm really afraid that I can't do anything amazing with myself anymore because it's too late and I wasted my time. I feel like I messed everything up and now all I have to look forward to is a life here in Eunice working at the shop and waiting for the next hafla and talking about how it used to be. I don't want to be here anymore, not as me.
When I was thirteen, my goal was to have been in one major film production (even as an extra) by sixteen. I was supposed to be with someone I loved and acting and going into my junior year and beautiful by now. I just know it wasn't supposed to work out this way. There must be some mistake.
So my period is still doing that thing where it only lasts three days or less. It's kind of frustrating because I feel like I'm doing things right as best as I can so it should be normal for once. Of course, I know these past couple of days have not been fantastic, as far as eating goes. Mostly because of stress and everything. I just for once want a normal, full length period so I can feel like I'm doing something right.
Sunday was a bad day because I was really upset about some things. I kind of snapped for a moment there, but I've been doing that a lot lately, just not in front of people. Mostly freaking out all the time, which is embarassing. I don't know, I threw a lamp and attacked my sister and stormed off. All I saw was red and I went into the bathroom and threw water on my face and sat down on the floor and tried to breathe. I don't remember why I was so upset. I just remember that I felt like I was being suffocated and I just saw red and felt like I was being controlled. It's just really lame because I think my little sister hates me and/or is terrified of me. I don't want to talk about that or the guys or the eating to my therapist. I have an appoitment with him this week. I'm just...argh, embarassed and frustrated like I've heard it all before.
I had a slight relapse earlier this week where I did not do well at all for about three days. A lot of mess ups. A lot that I'm not ready to talk about right now without getting upset at myself for how bad I got. I don't know. Life goes on.
Class tonight was amazing for many reasons, I'll get into that later though. I have some days and nights to get back in order in my internal clock.
