I found some old pictures of myself from about three years ago. In one of them I was taken aback by what I looked like. I was a lot thinner. It was a positive and negative feeling all in one to realize that. I used to be so miserable. So much more sad and trapped than now. I used to not care about my life or what happened to me.

So what's happened to me?

I feel I need an answer so that I can pull it out and use whatever it is to my benefit.

Is it wrong to somedays miss the feeling that you'd get...looking at yourself and knowing you're a wreck. I look at myself now and I see someone to be envied, I have talent and a future. But sometimes, just sometimes...don't quote me on this because it's the most selfish, terrible thing ever, but sometiems I don't want to be envied or looked up to, I want to be pitied again. When you're sick people take care of you.

But then I remember that no one "took care" of me. I had to pull myself up and out of it and with the help of friends, I got better. But no one babied me, which is why I'm still alive.

So to the voice that wants to be worried about again, wants to be taken care of and wants their hand held...I can't do that for you. I can't do that because even if it were to happen we both know you still wouldn't be happy.

I've been relying on music to keep me a relatively sane person recently. Eating has been fine lately.

I've been putting myself down a lot lately though. I guess I need to learn how to talk back to myself or stand up to my inner critic, my inner voice because I'm so tired of feeling attacked and ashamed all the time when I'm just trying to do something good for myself. It's just not fair.

I've been very sad lately, and what can I say...is there a reason? I sure hope so, but I don't know what it is. I don't care.

I feel like crying and like admitting defeat and weakess to someone, breaking down and giving in and saying help me. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing and I need help.

I went to Jason's grandma's place today and had dinner. I was so nervous.

But as soon as we turned onto Durio street I was suddenly filled with such peace. It's in the middle of nowhere in the country and it's about a mile's drive down the road to their house. The road is lined with beatiful trees and everything was green and pretty like I remembered it. I saw the cemetery where no one is buried. The lake and the bench in front of it we used to sit on. My favorite tree and the duck that lives there. Everything was just as I had left it.
I was waiting any second to see Jason just standing there and waiting for me but he wasn't, of course.
We had a fire and Ms. Mary who is like a grandmother to me took pictures and videos of me. She wants me to come back on Sunday to see her some more. There's even an internship she wants me to take with her company this summer...I would make money and stuff but I don't know. I don't know anymore.

And who am I kidding? I should take any chance I have to make money. If I had money...jeez, I would do so much with it. I woud get my mom's teeth fixed and make it so the bookstore can stay open and I would buy myself my own car, and I would make sure my mom got her trip to Europe that she's always wanted, but always had to watch others take. It's going to be her turn next.
I would need at least a million for all of that, sometimes I think.

I want to write but find myself stuck, my fingers lock up and freeze because to write about it would be very painful. But someone has to know.

There is some pain in looking back and even forward when it's through the eyes of a person who has no belief in the idea that things could get better. I didn't think so. I have been eating healthily, though, for the past two or three days. Kept every single bit of it down. Is it normal that it makes you feel like a small animal trapped in a cage? Like you can't breathe? But then it passes and you're proud, you're proud that you can take care of yourself, you can complete one of the simplist tasks that are supposed to be out there: feeding yourself. And then reality sets in that you will have to do this every day for the rest of your life, at least three times a day if you want to be healthy. You don't feel so positive anymore.

And so knowing that, I push it aside. At least I have food. At least I have a chance. And it's up to me. So what, it will be hard. What isn't?

Spencer is getting married.

I don't know.

I have a guinea pig named Taco Beef now and he's adorable and he reminds me of my old hamsters and it makes me happy. I love feeding him and giving him carrots and oranges and cabbage and grapes because of how special it is to him. Wouldn't it be great to be so thankful and excited for that? Wouldn't it be great to just eat because you need to and to move along? You know, we really could do that as a society. If we really wanted it, we could.

Spencer's getting married, and I have to talk to him before he does. I have to explain what I've done, and I have to ask him why he's doing this. Is it wrong that I feel wronged? Is it bad that I don't want him to?

I have not heard from Claire in what feels like a very long time. I wonder if she's trying to punish me, get back at me, or if she's really never talking to me again. Mostly I wonder if she is happy. Happier.

Tonight is Rachael's last night. Technically it's morning now and we're both on seperate computers, right across from each other. Talking like we're sleeping in tomorrow (we're leaving at nine in the morning to New Orleans to take her to the station) and like she still lives blocks away. Talking like it's last year. I'm so glad it's not last year anymore.

We're going out to eat tomorrow after we say goodbye to Rachael. We're going out for my birthday because we'll finally be able to afford it (well...not really, but you know, we won't be in the red if we spend a little money tomorrow). I think when we're doing badly financially I get triggered more easily than when we're not. I could be wrong, but I think I can see a pattern here. Okay, so I've spotted the pattern...what's the next step? I guess I can bring that one to Scott. We had to reschedule my appoitment last week, so I don't know when the next one is.

I've been up thinking about a lot. Like where I'm at in my life as far as my eating disorder goes. It's not anything to do with looks anymore. I'm at the point where I'm just tired with everything. I'm just tired of caring about what I look like. It's just almost purely like control and panic attack related. Like it's more an obsessive compulsive and paranoid thing now than it is about vanity or the weight. Those are just the vessels for it.

I can relate basically every other self harmful thing I do back to feeling fat or unhealthy eating habits. Bad self worth. I think about what makes me feel accomplished for the day. I think about how holding down lunch by sitting down for five minutes out of my day and breathing deeply was progress for me. I think about how depressing that is, and it makes me feel like a child. It makes me feel hopeless sometimes.

I know the positive response to this. Believe me, I'm the queen of talking myself out of and into things that are hard to believe. I'm thinking about relationships and how much control my eating disorder has over all of them. I think about my options each day. I think about how easily set off I am.

I've been wondering where I will be in a year from now. Last year...last year, where did I see myself a year later from then (right now) a year ago when I looked ahead. To be honest, I couldn't see anything. I saw hospitals, I hoped by now I would be dead, finally it would be too much and my body wouldn't be able to take it anymore. But my body has proved to be very forgiving and a lot stronger than I imagined. I am so grateful for that. So at least I can say that I'm better off than I thought I would be right now, and way better off than I was a year ago.

I just don't like that i can still relate to the me from a year ago. I mean, it makes sense that I would...it's me, part of me. But I want to either be her or be as far away as possible. Not in this limbo...floating around between certainties.

I have only myself to answer to for where I'm at, where I've been. And I can be quite an intimidating person to answer to.

Tuesday I became extremely depressed. I had a binge and purge session which of course threw me into a deeper depression. But I'm glad to say that yesterday, Wednesday, I ate a normal, healthy amount of food and kept it all down. There was a second there where I could feel it coming back up, and almost started throwing up, but I took a deep breath, and distracted myself. Sometimes doing that is easier than others. When I'm really upset or feeling out of control, it's harder to control the need to purge. It's still possible though, I just have yet to do it.

So I may be teaching a bellydance class in a month or so! Scary, right? Me...teaching. It's kind of like a dream come true, and I could use the money. I can see myself having my own student troupe and being like the mamma of all my students and it would be great. It would definitely provide me with a healthy goal and a good distraction from self harmful thoughts. I'm just terrified that it's too soon, that I shouldn't be doing it, maybe I won't be a good teacher and no one will get it. But there's that doubtful voice again that goes and ruins everything.

In about an hour my birthday will be done and over with. I'm almost kind of relieved. I was so stressed out about today because I didn't want it to be terrible, but not like too much of a big deal. I don't know, it was a normal day. I went to work, I went to bellydance class. I came home and we had cake or whatever.

I guess to tell you the truth I was upset today, but I don't want to tell people that because then they'll feel all bad and be like "aw, Amy was depressed on her birthday. that's sad..." but it's not sad, it's my fault, you know?

I'm just thoroughly disappointed. My day was fine, it really was. And I need to get over myself. It's just upsetting and it was childish of me to think and hope that maybe the debt collectors would take the day off today and not call just because it was my birthday. I was hoping that everyone would be in an okay mood, but almost all of my friends had sob stories or were suicidal today or both. I thought maybe we could all take a break from being so melodramatic today. I was naive and thought that maybe my eating disorder would go away just because it was my birthday, just because I wanted it to. I should know by now that it won't. It has nothing to do with what I want anymore. I don't even know what I want.

And my dad called me and I was so surprised that he did that it upset me. And I ate cake and I sat in the bathroom and threw up my birthday cake for about forty five minutes. 
Is this going to be next year too? I want to eat my cake and keep it down too. I wish I weren't so jealous of my friend who went to Europe, I guess I just snapped when she texted me about how depressed she was. I wanted to scream and tell her at least you got to go somewhere, at least you're going to get to go sky diving or whatever the hell it is for your birthday.
But, what, do I just expect everyone to stop having feelings and problems just becaue it's my birthday? Of course not.

My throat hurts so badly and I think I hurt it or something. I was so freaked out.

One good thing: our choreography for the Opelousas group is now finished and it rocks. Now all that's left is to drill it until August. We're going to be amazing. I didn't tell anyone at class what today was. Last time someone had a birthday they brought in cake and everyone gave her five bucks to pick something out from the shop with. I didn't want it to be a big deal like that, I was just really happy to be creating a dance with everyone that that was totally enough. More than enough.

I don't ever want what happened Saturday when I almost fainted to happen again because of my eating. It's been really bad these past past two weeks and I just don't want to go there again, I don't need this right now. But I think because life is so stressful I'm subconciously sprinting towards the idea of a relapse because it still represents regaining control, even though it wouldn't be.

Okay, done complaining.

Wow, I'm sixteen. I was ten when this started and I don't know, it's time to stop.

I did not keep my lunch down today, and I went to the hafla on very little sleep, and we performed our choreography and I almost fainted. I was so angry at myself, my eating habits got in the way of my passion about dancing. I'm just so disgusted with me right now. I'm the barf girl, you know? I'm scared because I feel like it's never going to go away no matter how hard I try, and I just feel so disappointed and depressed about it.
And I have to see Ben tomorrow, and I have to say goodbye to Rachael soon. And Claire just wrote me tonight and told me goodbye and to have a nice life, and she doesn't even realize how important she is to me, and she's leaving our friendship because I keep things from her and my unhealthiness is unhealthy for her too, and she can't let me hold her down. And what's worse is that I can't get angry or blame her for that, she's right.
And school. And I don't know what to do about anything. I feel like everything is falling apart, and I just don't know what to do.
But Ceslie tried to call me and I'm so upset that I missed her call, but I'm so relieved, very relieved, that she seems to be okay and safe.

I don't know what to do about anything else anymore, I'm sorry if I'm being a downer.

We went out for Taco Bell and I so got three tacos and ate them and kept them down, and figured out some way of not feeling too guilty or anything. I feel good about myself because it shows I can do something right for myself. And of course we had bellydancing today, tribal class. I think I did really well and it makes me really proud of myself. The whole hour was just dancing and a review because it's the last class of level one. I got to lead three times and it was great, I felt awesome and I did a really good job, if I do say so myself. I could see it in Ilea's eyes that I did well. And not in a crappy, psycho way...like she smiled at me and said "great" and that we're the best class she's ever had in tribal. And an old student was there in class and she seemed to be impressed so I'm just happy that I could do it. I really can do something if I want it. I never imagined I'd be able to dance like how I do now. Of course, I have soooo much room for improvement but it's a start. It's amazing considering where I used to be.

I don't want to think about anything else right now. I'm just going to wrap myself up in this feeling and hide from everything else if that's okay.

I've been realizing lately that, just as I did when I was practicing unhealthy eating habits, I have my own little eating rituals for being healthy too. Which I guess is a contradiction considering that I don't really consider eating rituals of any kind to be very healthy. That is... except for maybe washing your hands before every meal.

But that's just it. I'm always washing my hands. I wash my hands during meals and all that. I don't know. Like, the control issue is still there. I guess the important thing is how I express my need for control, because it will always be there. It's a part of me. Everyone was getting pizza tonight, so I bought myself my own food seperate from the family because the idea of eating with them was just frightening. And I don't know, all of my food containers are kept seperately from everyone elses. Maybe you would call that being a germ freak, but I don't know. It's more like I've replaced obsessions a bit because the need to be extremely strict about food is still painfully there to the point where it just gives me a headache. It's exhausting. Like, I can't really enjoy my food as much when others are around...I'll do it, but I won't like it. And I can't enjoy eating by myself, even worse. So I have music on usually, so I don't have to think about eating and I can just eat without thinking about it too much. But I also try not to distract myself from it so much so that I don't realize I'm eating, because that's unhealthy too. Part of listening to your body is sitting down and looking at, smelling and enjoying the food. But I can't so much so that it becomes obsessive because that can happen very easily. I just wish it weren't such a big deal, you know?

I've been trying to cover all the nutrition labels in my house with masking tape but I know that is unrealistic and a bit crazy so I stopped. But I started thinking that if they weren't there maybe I wouldn't think about calories and fat so much when I ate. But I think them being covered like that might draw more attention to the idea, so I don't know anymore.

This is way too complicated to even make sense.

I don't know, sometimes I wonder who or what taught me this stuff, this need to...control, is it? It doesn't feel very much like I'm in control.
Anyway, I just wanted to get my thoughts on this out there.

I still haven't heard from Ceslie. I sent her another text message today. 
We worked on our other choreography today for the show. It's coming out excellently. Rachael is here and it's been really fun seeing her and having her sleep over like old times. Her and I are basically amazed at how things just immediately slipped back into the normal scheduale when she came over...as if she hasn't been gone for a year. It's comforting, but at the same time you can tell we've changed. But we've adapted, too.

I ate pretty well today. I had cereal this morning and lunch and dinner, so it's all pretty evened out. It's a weird feeling knowing that I did okay today, but I'm definitely not complaining. I think I'm still afraid to let go of an eating disorder. It used to be so important to me. I don't know how to explain it, but it's almost physically painful to think about. But it's the same way with thinking about continuing on with how it's been. No way.

I can't sleep and I know I'll regret that a lot later.
I think I'm lonely or something. That's funny because I can barely get five minutes alone in this house lately. But I think I'm lonely.