There is some pain in looking back and even forward when it's through the eyes of a person who has no belief in the idea that things could get better. I didn't think so. I have been eating healthily, though, for the past two or three days. Kept every single bit of it down. Is it normal that it makes you feel like a small animal trapped in a cage? Like you can't breathe? But then it passes and you're proud, you're proud that you can take care of yourself, you can complete one of the simplist tasks that are supposed to be out there: feeding yourself. And then reality sets in that you will have to do this every day for the rest of your life, at least three times a day if you want to be healthy. You don't feel so positive anymore.

And so knowing that, I push it aside. At least I have food. At least I have a chance. And it's up to me. So what, it will be hard. What isn't?

Spencer is getting married.

I don't know.

I have a guinea pig named Taco Beef now and he's adorable and he reminds me of my old hamsters and it makes me happy. I love feeding him and giving him carrots and oranges and cabbage and grapes because of how special it is to him. Wouldn't it be great to be so thankful and excited for that? Wouldn't it be great to just eat because you need to and to move along? You know, we really could do that as a society. If we really wanted it, we could.

Spencer's getting married, and I have to talk to him before he does. I have to explain what I've done, and I have to ask him why he's doing this. Is it wrong that I feel wronged? Is it bad that I don't want him to?

I have not heard from Claire in what feels like a very long time. I wonder if she's trying to punish me, get back at me, or if she's really never talking to me again. Mostly I wonder if she is happy. Happier.