I've been up thinking about a lot. Like where I'm at in my life as far as my eating disorder goes. It's not anything to do with looks anymore. I'm at the point where I'm just tired with everything. I'm just tired of caring about what I look like. It's just almost purely like control and panic attack related. Like it's more an obsessive compulsive and paranoid thing now than it is about vanity or the weight. Those are just the vessels for it.

I can relate basically every other self harmful thing I do back to feeling fat or unhealthy eating habits. Bad self worth. I think about what makes me feel accomplished for the day. I think about how holding down lunch by sitting down for five minutes out of my day and breathing deeply was progress for me. I think about how depressing that is, and it makes me feel like a child. It makes me feel hopeless sometimes.

I know the positive response to this. Believe me, I'm the queen of talking myself out of and into things that are hard to believe. I'm thinking about relationships and how much control my eating disorder has over all of them. I think about my options each day. I think about how easily set off I am.

I've been wondering where I will be in a year from now. Last year...last year, where did I see myself a year later from then (right now) a year ago when I looked ahead. To be honest, I couldn't see anything. I saw hospitals, I hoped by now I would be dead, finally it would be too much and my body wouldn't be able to take it anymore. But my body has proved to be very forgiving and a lot stronger than I imagined. I am so grateful for that. So at least I can say that I'm better off than I thought I would be right now, and way better off than I was a year ago.

I just don't like that i can still relate to the me from a year ago. I mean, it makes sense that I would...it's me, part of me. But I want to either be her or be as far away as possible. Not in this limbo...floating around between certainties.

I have only myself to answer to for where I'm at, where I've been. And I can be quite an intimidating person to answer to.