I've been realizing lately that, just as I did when I was practicing unhealthy eating habits, I have my own little eating rituals for being healthy too. Which I guess is a contradiction considering that I don't really consider eating rituals of any kind to be very healthy. That is... except for maybe washing your hands before every meal.

But that's just it. I'm always washing my hands. I wash my hands during meals and all that. I don't know. Like, the control issue is still there. I guess the important thing is how I express my need for control, because it will always be there. It's a part of me. Everyone was getting pizza tonight, so I bought myself my own food seperate from the family because the idea of eating with them was just frightening. And I don't know, all of my food containers are kept seperately from everyone elses. Maybe you would call that being a germ freak, but I don't know. It's more like I've replaced obsessions a bit because the need to be extremely strict about food is still painfully there to the point where it just gives me a headache. It's exhausting. Like, I can't really enjoy my food as much when others are around...I'll do it, but I won't like it. And I can't enjoy eating by myself, even worse. So I have music on usually, so I don't have to think about eating and I can just eat without thinking about it too much. But I also try not to distract myself from it so much so that I don't realize I'm eating, because that's unhealthy too. Part of listening to your body is sitting down and looking at, smelling and enjoying the food. But I can't so much so that it becomes obsessive because that can happen very easily. I just wish it weren't such a big deal, you know?

I've been trying to cover all the nutrition labels in my house with masking tape but I know that is unrealistic and a bit crazy so I stopped. But I started thinking that if they weren't there maybe I wouldn't think about calories and fat so much when I ate. But I think them being covered like that might draw more attention to the idea, so I don't know anymore.

This is way too complicated to even make sense.

I don't know, sometimes I wonder who or what taught me this stuff, this need to...control, is it? It doesn't feel very much like I'm in control.
Anyway, I just wanted to get my thoughts on this out there.

I still haven't heard from Ceslie. I sent her another text message today. 
We worked on our other choreography today for the show. It's coming out excellently. Rachael is here and it's been really fun seeing her and having her sleep over like old times. Her and I are basically amazed at how things just immediately slipped back into the normal scheduale when she came over...as if she hasn't been gone for a year. It's comforting, but at the same time you can tell we've changed. But we've adapted, too.

I ate pretty well today. I had cereal this morning and lunch and dinner, so it's all pretty evened out. It's a weird feeling knowing that I did okay today, but I'm definitely not complaining. I think I'm still afraid to let go of an eating disorder. It used to be so important to me. I don't know how to explain it, but it's almost physically painful to think about. But it's the same way with thinking about continuing on with how it's been. No way.

I can't sleep and I know I'll regret that a lot later.
I think I'm lonely or something. That's funny because I can barely get five minutes alone in this house lately. But I think I'm lonely.