I got my belly button pierced today with my mom. It was very entertaining and even a little fun. I don't even know if I like it yet, but I figure it gives me more bling for bellydancing, so that's cool. It hurts and is bleeding a little right now but that's fine.
So today was bad but it was okay. I met with the therapist and we had a loooong talk about triggers and feeling empty and sex and anger and self worth. I was really upset today and I don't feel like talking about it yet because I have a feeling when I do I'm going to get really upset and it's bad but I don't want to face reality yet. I don't want to have to tell all my friends about it, and I don't want to be a failure. I can't do anything about it, and it's very miserable.

In tribal today I was really happy with myself for my leading skills and for how much I've improved at zills and at the moves in general. I'm no longer so, so afraid of leading, it's actually kind of fun when you get the butterflies out of your tummy.

I talked to Jacob today. He texted me and wanted to know what was up, and I told him I was going to pierce my naval and we joked about how he should get one too. It's kind of scary because we were talking like friends and I would prefer if we didn't talk at all because I don't want to see him anymore. But it did make me feel better to know that he wasn't totally grossed out or bored or done with me just because I slept with him. It makes me feel like I can't be all that bad if he's not avoiding me like I have a disease.

I'm sitting here thinking about the choices I've made this year and how almost all of them are kicking me in the butt right now. Except for the health thing and for the bellydancing thing. It's all a really big mess, and I'm really too tired to deal with it.

I ate pretty well today, and I had waffle fries which is awesome. Not too much, not too little.

I wish that I were a different person sometimes. I look at my future and want to cry at the thought of it being anything like how things are right now. I don't really know how to explain it, but I'm really afraid that I can't do anything amazing with myself anymore because it's too late and I wasted my time. I feel like I messed everything up and now all I have to look forward to is a life here in Eunice working at the shop and waiting for the next hafla and talking about how it used to be. I don't want to be here anymore, not as me.
When I was thirteen, my goal was to have been in one major film production (even as an extra) by sixteen. I was supposed to be with someone I loved and acting and going into my junior year and beautiful by now. I just know it wasn't supposed to work out this way. There must be some mistake.