Last night was difficult. I guess what my problem is that I can't get over a few things. I don't know why I couldn't sleep or why I couldn't do anything but almost cry. You know when you're trying to cry but all that happens are these dry heaves, and you end up making really stupid faces instead until your mouth starts to hurt.

There are some things I can't understand. I really need to see Spencer. I just hurt a lot, and I hate what I look like. I really need to see him or I don't know...I'm really going to just explode or break. Or worse - nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
I don't know where to go from here.

...more than just okay. Good song.

I owe my life to bellydancing. I just wanted to get that one out there. I've never felt a stronger sisterhood and beauty with any other group of people than my tribal group.

We went shopping for canes after class for the bellydance festival. I ran through the rain with Becky and Amanda, and I almost forgot myself. I was happy.

I'm feeling much better about myself these past two days. I'm hoping this feeling sticks around. I had a great meal with my family this mother's day. The only issue was that my mom spent a lot of time discussing how she wanted to lose ten pounds. It made me feel uncomfortable, but I finished my meal and I must say I feel fine.

I don't really have much else to say except for that today was a good eating day...and I don't feel guilty at all. I'm not going to over think it at all. Yeah.

On one last note: music has saved my life.

So I turned off my phone, got into bed...decided I was going to sleep early, and I was going to do what normal, adjusted people should do. I can't sleep. I layed there awake for two hours before I realized it wasn't working. I can't stop my thoughts, I can't ignore them yet. I don't know why I can't sleep lately. I think that it's something that will pass in time. I think it's also got to do with the conflict I feel in my heart right now. I really hate the daily decisions that I face each day. I hate deciding when to eat and what to eat and what will make me freak out and what to do if I freak out, and how to respond to friends that trigger me and how to just do what others seem to have no problem with doing all the time.

I guess I ate well today, I don't know how to feel or how I should feel. When part of me hates myself for eating and the other half hates me for not eating...it makes living so much more conflicted than it should be. And it's not like I ever get a chance to stop and think about it and reacess the situation...I can't take a vaction from this. Ever. I can't take a break from making decisions about eating and just skip it the whole day so that I can calm down so that I can be healthy. There are no short cuts and quite honestly I'm so tired from jumping back and forth from anorexic to bulimic tendancies to shame to guilt to self hatred to being suicidal to being hopeful and all over again.

I look at myself in the mirror and one second I need to lose weight...and the next, I see what I look like and think I would look better if I put on some weight and the next second I'm so disgusted for even evalutaing myself in that way. I need to do this, I need to do that. As if appearance is really going to matter in the end. As if it's that important to waste all this valuable time on. I'm so sick of myself and my ungratefulness for all the oppurtunity and time I have. What am I doing about it?

I made myself some breakfast, some eggs and toast so I could reassure myself everything was normal. I began to purge them because I started freaking out. I didn't finish. The guilt was terrible, which I guess isn't a bad thing to have happen. I went to sleep around nine a.m. and slept until around two p.m. So I got like five hours of sleep which is good. But I have ugly black circles under my eyes now. They look kind of cool though.

I don't want to make anyone worry about me. I know though that I can't have it both ways and I have to take care of myself if I don't want anyone to worry. I just keep thinking of how my friends look, how they eat. And I still am afraid that everyone has this secret thing against me to not eat behind my back so that I get big and they stay small. I know that's stupid, but I believe it somedays.

I wish I were a cooler person, and I wish I were a stronger person. I want to peel off all my skin and step out as something new. Someone who is an inspirational person...not a victim.

I feel like the little girl with the monster under her bed. Screaming for her parents to stumble into her bedroom sleepily, they look under the bed and sigh, "See, no monster! Now go back to sleep...". And she's up all night and she can hear the monster breathing under her. She's sure it will come out any second but it never does...which is almost worse than it just coming out already.

I'm afraid.

Not feeling good emotionally. I know what happens. If I can predict it, I can prevent it. If I can predict it, I can prevent it. How?

Sunday was rough. But, like I said I should, I did eventually get myself something to eat (spaghetti, mmm) and like I guessed I would, I calmed down and faced the music. Today (I guess technically it was yesterday) was okay as far as eating goes. I know I'm still not getting enough to eat. And I don't really feel like listing what I ate though because it may be triggering to others and maybe even me. I'm working on it though, I'm not just saying that.

I got off the phone with a friend yesterday so I could get some sleep since my days and nights are out of whack (you can see how that worked out), I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom and I knocked over a jewelry box, out fell a bottle of diet pills I now remember hiding from my mother over the summer in case one day she changed her mind and took them away from me. I feel like I used to live with some kind of junkie because I keep finding secret journals and pills and things I used to keep hidden. It doesn't feel like it was me. Anyway, I spent an hour or so rattling around the pills in the half empty bottle and debating on whether I should just throw them in the toilet. It's no big deal.
Somehow it seems too hard though. I won't take them, of course. But it scared me to throw them out like that...it seemed so permanent...and that's when I realized that I'm having commitment issues with recovery. I can't progress unless I want to. I know that.

I don't know why I hate sleeping so much right now, it's scary. I'm afraid to be alone. If I lie in bed I start thinking. If I'm not on the phone or texting or online...I'm alone with myself and I'm afraid that I might think something that will throw me off or hurt me. I might think about him or my weight or what's happened. I can't spend the rest of my life hiding from myself. The sad thing is, the way that our world is set up right now, it would be possible to do that though. I just don't want to. I don't think I can truly be happy if I'm not being honest with myself.

I feel like I'm wasting time. I have yoga class today and I'm afraid I'll be too tired. I'm always tired because I hate sleeping right now. It makes me feel like a bad  person. there, I said it. I feel like a lazy worthless person when I sleep, and I feel like I don't deserve to. And I'm wondering if it's possible to have an issue where you deny yourself sleep...? I feel so stupid, like I'm making it up and it's really embarassing. But yeah, I really need to just get away from myself sometimes, I think. I think. I think. I think. I think too much.

I have always tried to be a strong person so that I won't ever have to be the victim. That was my logic, anyway. I wish sometimes that I didn't always have an answer and a calm, leveled voice to respond to others illogic and crying and panic attacks. I wish that every time I complained, there weren't a reprimanding voice arguing with me that I'm being selfish and unproductive. Even now I feel like I'm just out for attention. I guess I'm really afraid to be seen as an attention seeker.
I'm just tired of trying to be the calm one or maybe not calm but the one that in the end will be there all the time. I wish sometimes that my friends who I run around for because I'm afraid to lose them would take some care about what they do and how they treat me...and I wish that they would feel like they could lose me. But they don't. I will never threaten to kill myself to them, I refuse to do that. I will never do drugs or drink, no more diet pills even. I'm the conventional one that is always promoting doing thigns with your life and being positive in the group. And so everyone else gets to be all tragic and self destructive because they know at least one person (me) will stick around to watch and supposedly isn't suicidal or self destructive herself. I wish people would see that just because I speak out against it, doesn't mean I'm not fighting it. I wish that I would get treated human too because I'm tired of being a rock for people to lean on, stand on, sleep on, cry on, and then walk away from to do more stupid things and then come back crying.

I wish that I didn't feel like erasing all of that now, because even now I feel I am being selfish. I know that I do have friends who let me cry on them, or at least have offered it. I know that no one is perfect. I just wish that people would look at me as human and know that I hurt and am imperfect too.

And right now I wish that someone would sit down with me and tell me to eat something and wait with my while I did and stuff. I'm really stressed out right now and need some help in that department. I'm tired of helping out all my "anorexic" friends and sitting with them while they eat and asking them how much they ate and checking up on them when I need help too. But because I help and tell people how important it is to be healthy, they assume I know and I follow that. They assume that I'm "all better" and that they can come to me anytime telling me how much weight they've lost and what they're not eating. And then I make them eat and give them a lecture and take care of them and go home and feel empty and unbearably triggered. I'm so tired of being the diet counselor because everytime some girl tells me I don't understand, everytime a friend nods at me when I tell them how health is important but I can see in their eyes they don't care or agree...I start to believe inmyself a little less and less each time. I can feel myself slipping back and I know it is not my responsibility to take care of these people or to keep them around if they hold me down. But I can bring myself to because I love them and I can't stand to see someone walked away from who has a problem. I see myself in them and I can't leave them. I see how people would see the signs in me and would just ignore it. I remember how I used to lay awake at night in pain and wish someone would come in and shake me and help me and tell me I'm beautiful and force me to eat. But no one ever did...I had to do it for myself because I realized no one is going to help me, no one is looking for me to come save me.

I know that it is my fault and that right now I need  to go eat something and calm down, it will make me feel better. But I am extremely triggered right now and so tired. It makes sense that sometimes people don't bother to look past your exterior if you make it easy enough to accept and understand...they won't dig deeper if you don't act like anything is wrong and don't give them a reason to. After all, who has ever heard of a hungry rock?

I saw my therapist two days ago, and I kind of just let a lot out. I realized that all this time I've been so afraid he'd be disappointed in me, so I'd exagerate progress and "forget" to mention the setbacks in my recovery. So I let him know about my little binge and purge episode, and about how on Saturday I almost went the whole day without eating again. It's scary how what seems like a little decision can change everything.

I think that right now I'm getting blindsighted by things that really aren't that important. I keep basing my days around an emotion due to insecurity and I keep living based on a dream that has been proven to me that is not only unattainable, it's not something that will ever make me happy.

I think I'm going to put together a playlist of songs that have helped me out, or that I can just plain relate to as far as my eating disorder goes. I know I've mentioned it before, but I think I'm really going to try this time.