AND WE WON THE CHOREOGRAPHY COMPETITION!! WE WON!
I'm so proud of us, we worked so hard. And we were up against people with twice the experience we have. We won...and it still hasn't sunk in.
We all went out to dinner with Troupe Soluna and Habbibi Bizarre and I ordered pasta with Camille (who was originally going to order a salad with me) but then we convinced each other to both get pasta and it was really cool.

The workshop was great, but I was in extreme pain for most of it because I was dehydrated, on my period, and hadn't gotten any sleep. But I survived and WE WON. Go Jungle Gumbo, we rocked it out and I can't believe we won.
I swear the whole room exploded and we got a standing ovation.

And Shamsi said that our energy was amazing and that she wants to come visit and teach a workshop closer to here in Opelousas because she really enjoys working with us. That's HUGE, she was second runner up for bellydance superstars. And my mom wants to go out to and get our belly buttons pierced to celebrate...although she was already planning on it anyway, she's just using this as an excuse.

No Ben this weekend. No Kait. So I don't know, it's a good thing.
And of course I don't have to worry about the other guy contacting me anymore, so that's good.
I should be really happy right about now. I should be really happy.  

 

I don't know if anyone else ever feels this way, but I am constantly doubting myself about everything. Even about having an eating disorder. Sometimes I start telling myself that I don't have a real problem, and that I don't have a right to complain. That I'm not "sick enough". Today has been one of those days where sadly enough I've felt guilty that I'm not sick enough. It's disgusting because it makes me think about the people I know like my aunt who are suffering from the physical devastation of suffering from an eating disorder...and I feel so guilty, I need to be more grateful for what I do have. And I need to keep trying, I guess. I know.  

I've eaten well today. And like my therapist has been prompting me to do, when I was about to have lunch and started thinking about how I should go back to how it used to be...how much happier I would be if I did, I let myself think it, I considered it and just let the thoughts run their course. Extremely painful and triggering, but afterward I still ate and didn't feel like I was losing control by ignoring my urges to relapse...because I wasn't ignoring them, I was letting them run their course and then going on about my buisiness afterwards. And it was really hard, and it's really daunting to think about how long I'm going to have to keep doing this. About how tomorrow it's going to be the same thing. It makes me want to give up. So I don't think about it too much. I'm trying to think about eating on and off the carpet (I know, ew) with him when I was a bit more carefree because I thought I was in love. And maybe it's not completely healthy to get a bit of my motivation for health from long gone memories. But I remember how happy I was and I can accept the fight that will be tomorrow. I can accept it, whether or not I'm happy.  

I feel a lot better than I did earlier today in my last post. Man, my moods are over the place today, aren't they? I guess bellydance class did a whole lotta good for me today because I just got my energy back and built up a good appetite and felt less guilty about eating because I had a good almost two hour workout. I went to Popeyes and got some shrimp and a biscuit. It was good, I feel better. Much better. Maybe a little pessimistic still, but more at peace about it.

Our choreography is going to kick major butt. Along with out other one. And Camille might help us make another one for the Eunice class, and then I'll get to be in three dances for the August show.

It's funny how I always know deep down that when I'm feeling bad I need to get up, move around, and eat something, but I always put it off till the last second. It always works too.

 

I want to be happy. I used to starve myself because I thought it made me happy. But it just prolonged the reality checks and the time between my actions and the pain. I slept with someone recently because I thought I could forget about everything else through it. It made me feel special for just one moment. Before that I did the same thing with my friend's boyfriend. He wants to again. Of course that's what he wants and all he wants from me. I think that's the only thing I know how to do right sometimes. But of course, that's just someone else talking when I say that. If I really wanted to be happy, then this wouldn't happen. I wouldn't let it happen. I keep telling myself that all I have to do is decide not to do these things and they won't happen. And then I get really dizzy and my head hurts just thinking about it. I feel like most of the time I don't have a right to complain about things. Because I feel I have control over them, so it's my fault. I thought I wanted to be happy. And the truth is that when you do these things so that you can be "happy" you end up feeling so alone and you hurt the people who want to make you happy. And then you're really alone and nobody wants to forgive you anymore. And it's just you and the realization that the reasons you've been living for are all a big load of crap.

And then of course you feel guilty for saying all of that. Think of everyone less fortunate than you are. That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to realize where you're at and be happy.
You're supposed to be the opposite of what I am. And that's how to be happy.

 

I made another mistake or whatever you want to call it. I don't really want to type it out because it embarasses me and makes me feel like I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I purged my dinner or whatever today.
I really want to cry right now. I really am in pain emotionally and physically. I really an disliking myself lately. I hate all the things I do. What's wrong with me?
And when am I going to feel okay? What do I have to do?  

I can't sleep. I've gained some weight. No, I did not weigh myself. It's just that crazy, paranoid feeling you get, you know? And that my pants are continuing to not fit. I really should throw out all my old clothes that don't fit, that's an old part of me that's over. That chapter is finished in my life. I have to keep repeating that to myself.

The Saturday after this one is the Bellydance Festival in Baton Rouge, and we'll be performing for the first time without a teacher or anything. It's going to scary and a really great experience. When I went to the workshop in New Orleans with Fat Chance Belly Dance, it was really refreshing and uplifting to be with women of all shapes and sizes coming together with love for the dance and for themselves. It takes confidence and a certain attitude and passion to be a good dancer, I think. I'm working on it.

When I bellydance, I feel like a different person. I don't feel like I have a body, if that makes sense. Or maybe it's that I suddenly let my body and spirit become one...instead of objectifying and seperating myself from my body, I sort of embrace it.

Either way, we have a three hour practice and dress rehearsal tomorrow to look forward to. So I better get a few hours of sleep in now while I have the chance.
I ate taco bell today. It was good.

 

Self loathing probably isn't going to help me any right now. But I really, really do.

 

I'm posting real quick before I go to bed. I feel like I have eaten well today. But when I go to list it out it feels like not enough when said aloud. And all my confusion comes with the fact that at the same time there is still a lingering pride there. So what do you do? Right now it's been ignore it, don't think about it. But I think the more I don't think about it, the more I'll have to think about later. And later is a scary thing.

Right now I feel trapped in a few situations. My eating disorder. My personal life. My future.

Of course I want to keep the very little muscle tone that I have. I have to eat the protein and carbs I need to attain that. I hate that health and life is not a good enough motivator for me to eat healthy. I always have to add in something about how I look into that one for it to have that extra tug to pull me into an idea. It's not so important, and no matter what I do. My looks are going to change and be gone eventually. I could lose my health too, worrying about something I'm going to lose anyway. But I can also hold onto it. That is something that I can always achieve in a positive way regardless of what the standard is.

I think I've made a few mistakes. There will be consequences.
The truth is that I've been looking for something all this time in the wrong places. I don't want to admit it, but if I ever want to stop the feeling of being used by people and if I want to just stop all this bad stuff with relationships and foods, I'm going to have to realize what I've been looking for half my life does not even exist.

 

I'm on a see-saw, or a roller coaster, or a yo-yo or something. Today was a bad eating day, and then it was a good one. Good and bad are all about opinion and perspective of course. Not sure what they mean to me yet. As bad as any day is, there's hope. Hang in there because you won't be sorry if you do.