I've eaten well today. And like my therapist has been prompting me to do, when I was about to have lunch and started thinking about how I should go back to how it used to be...how much happier I would be if I did, I let myself think it, I considered it and just let the thoughts run their course. Extremely painful and triggering, but afterward I still ate and didn't feel like I was losing control by ignoring my urges to relapse...because I wasn't ignoring them, I was letting them run their course and then going on about my buisiness afterwards. And it was really hard, and it's really daunting to think about how long I'm going to have to keep doing this. About how tomorrow it's going to be the same thing. It makes me want to give up. So I don't think about it too much. I'm trying to think about eating on and off the carpet (I know, ew) with him when I was a bit more carefree because I thought I was in love. And maybe it's not completely healthy to get a bit of my motivation for health from long gone memories. But I remember how happy I was and I can accept the fight that will be tomorrow. I can accept it, whether or not I'm happy.