I feel a lot better than I did earlier today in my last post. Man, my moods are over the place today, aren't they? I guess bellydance class did a whole lotta good for me today because I just got my energy back and built up a good appetite and felt less guilty about eating because I had a good almost two hour workout. I went to Popeyes and got some shrimp and a biscuit. It was good, I feel better. Much better. Maybe a little pessimistic still, but more at peace about it.

Our choreography is going to kick major butt. Along with out other one. And Camille might help us make another one for the Eunice class, and then I'll get to be in three dances for the August show.

It's funny how I always know deep down that when I'm feeling bad I need to get up, move around, and eat something, but I always put it off till the last second. It always works too.

I want to be happy. I used to starve myself because I thought it made me happy. But it just prolonged the reality checks and the time between my actions and the pain. I slept with someone recently because I thought I could forget about everything else through it. It made me feel special for just one moment. Before that I did the same thing with my friend's boyfriend. He wants to again. Of course that's what he wants and all he wants from me. I think that's the only thing I know how to do right sometimes. But of course, that's just someone else talking when I say that. If I really wanted to be happy, then this wouldn't happen. I wouldn't let it happen. I keep telling myself that all I have to do is decide not to do these things and they won't happen. And then I get really dizzy and my head hurts just thinking about it. I feel like most of the time I don't have a right to complain about things. Because I feel I have control over them, so it's my fault. I thought I wanted to be happy. And the truth is that when you do these things so that you can be "happy" you end up feeling so alone and you hurt the people who want to make you happy. And then you're really alone and nobody wants to forgive you anymore. And it's just you and the realization that the reasons you've been living for are all a big load of crap.

And then of course you feel guilty for saying all of that. Think of everyone less fortunate than you are. That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to realize where you're at and be happy.
You're supposed to be the opposite of what I am. And that's how to be happy.