I'm posting real quick before I go to bed. I feel like I have eaten well today. But when I go to list it out it feels like not enough when said aloud. And all my confusion comes with the fact that at the same time there is still a lingering pride there. So what do you do? Right now it's been ignore it, don't think about it. But I think the more I don't think about it, the more I'll have to think about later. And later is a scary thing.

Right now I feel trapped in a few situations. My eating disorder. My personal life. My future.

Of course I want to keep the very little muscle tone that I have. I have to eat the protein and carbs I need to attain that. I hate that health and life is not a good enough motivator for me to eat healthy. I always have to add in something about how I look into that one for it to have that extra tug to pull me into an idea. It's not so important, and no matter what I do. My looks are going to change and be gone eventually. I could lose my health too, worrying about something I'm going to lose anyway. But I can also hold onto it. That is something that I can always achieve in a positive way regardless of what the standard is.

I think I've made a few mistakes. There will be consequences.
The truth is that I've been looking for something all this time in the wrong places. I don't want to admit it, but if I ever want to stop the feeling of being used by people and if I want to just stop all this bad stuff with relationships and foods, I'm going to have to realize what I've been looking for half my life does not even exist.