So I turned off my phone, got into bed...decided I was going to sleep early, and I was going to do what normal, adjusted people should do. I can't sleep. I layed there awake for two hours before I realized it wasn't working. I can't stop my thoughts, I can't ignore them yet. I don't know why I can't sleep lately. I think that it's something that will pass in time. I think it's also got to do with the conflict I feel in my heart right now. I really hate the daily decisions that I face each day. I hate deciding when to eat and what to eat and what will make me freak out and what to do if I freak out, and how to respond to friends that trigger me and how to just do what others seem to have no problem with doing all the time.

I guess I ate well today, I don't know how to feel or how I should feel. When part of me hates myself for eating and the other half hates me for not eating...it makes living so much more conflicted than it should be. And it's not like I ever get a chance to stop and think about it and reacess the situation...I can't take a vaction from this. Ever. I can't take a break from making decisions about eating and just skip it the whole day so that I can calm down so that I can be healthy. There are no short cuts and quite honestly I'm so tired from jumping back and forth from anorexic to bulimic tendancies to shame to guilt to self hatred to being suicidal to being hopeful and all over again.

I look at myself in the mirror and one second I need to lose weight...and the next, I see what I look like and think I would look better if I put on some weight and the next second I'm so disgusted for even evalutaing myself in that way. I need to do this, I need to do that. As if appearance is really going to matter in the end. As if it's that important to waste all this valuable time on. I'm so sick of myself and my ungratefulness for all the oppurtunity and time I have. What am I doing about it?