I made myself some breakfast, some eggs and toast so I could reassure myself everything was normal. I began to purge them because I started freaking out. I didn't finish. The guilt was terrible, which I guess isn't a bad thing to have happen. I went to sleep around nine a.m. and slept until around two p.m. So I got like five hours of sleep which is good. But I have ugly black circles under my eyes now. They look kind of cool though.

I don't want to make anyone worry about me. I know though that I can't have it both ways and I have to take care of myself if I don't want anyone to worry. I just keep thinking of how my friends look, how they eat. And I still am afraid that everyone has this secret thing against me to not eat behind my back so that I get big and they stay small. I know that's stupid, but I believe it somedays.

I wish I were a cooler person, and I wish I were a stronger person. I want to peel off all my skin and step out as something new. Someone who is an inspirational person...not a victim.

I feel like the little girl with the monster under her bed. Screaming for her parents to stumble into her bedroom sleepily, they look under the bed and sigh, "See, no monster! Now go back to sleep...". And she's up all night and she can hear the monster breathing under her. She's sure it will come out any second but it never does...which is almost worse than it just coming out already.

I'm afraid.

Not feeling good emotionally. I know what happens. If I can predict it, I can prevent it. If I can predict it, I can prevent it. How?