Sunday was rough. But, like I said I should, I did eventually get myself something to eat (spaghetti, mmm) and like I guessed I would, I calmed down and faced the music. Today (I guess technically it was yesterday) was okay as far as eating goes. I know I'm still not getting enough to eat. And I don't really feel like listing what I ate though because it may be triggering to others and maybe even me. I'm working on it though, I'm not just saying that.

I got off the phone with a friend yesterday so I could get some sleep since my days and nights are out of whack (you can see how that worked out), I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom and I knocked over a jewelry box, out fell a bottle of diet pills I now remember hiding from my mother over the summer in case one day she changed her mind and took them away from me. I feel like I used to live with some kind of junkie because I keep finding secret journals and pills and things I used to keep hidden. It doesn't feel like it was me. Anyway, I spent an hour or so rattling around the pills in the half empty bottle and debating on whether I should just throw them in the toilet. It's no big deal.
Somehow it seems too hard though. I won't take them, of course. But it scared me to throw them out like that...it seemed so permanent...and that's when I realized that I'm having commitment issues with recovery. I can't progress unless I want to. I know that.

I don't know why I hate sleeping so much right now, it's scary. I'm afraid to be alone. If I lie in bed I start thinking. If I'm not on the phone or texting or online...I'm alone with myself and I'm afraid that I might think something that will throw me off or hurt me. I might think about him or my weight or what's happened. I can't spend the rest of my life hiding from myself. The sad thing is, the way that our world is set up right now, it would be possible to do that though. I just don't want to. I don't think I can truly be happy if I'm not being honest with myself.

I feel like I'm wasting time. I have yoga class today and I'm afraid I'll be too tired. I'm always tired because I hate sleeping right now. It makes me feel like a bad  person. there, I said it. I feel like a lazy worthless person when I sleep, and I feel like I don't deserve to. And I'm wondering if it's possible to have an issue where you deny yourself sleep...? I feel so stupid, like I'm making it up and it's really embarassing. But yeah, I really need to just get away from myself sometimes, I think. I think. I think. I think. I think too much.