I have always tried to be a strong person so that I won't ever have to be the victim. That was my logic, anyway. I wish sometimes that I didn't always have an answer and a calm, leveled voice to respond to others illogic and crying and panic attacks. I wish that every time I complained, there weren't a reprimanding voice arguing with me that I'm being selfish and unproductive. Even now I feel like I'm just out for attention. I guess I'm really afraid to be seen as an attention seeker.
I'm just tired of trying to be the calm one or maybe not calm but the one that in the end will be there all the time. I wish sometimes that my friends who I run around for because I'm afraid to lose them would take some care about what they do and how they treat me...and I wish that they would feel like they could lose me. But they don't. I will never threaten to kill myself to them, I refuse to do that. I will never do drugs or drink, no more diet pills even. I'm the conventional one that is always promoting doing thigns with your life and being positive in the group. And so everyone else gets to be all tragic and self destructive because they know at least one person (me) will stick around to watch and supposedly isn't suicidal or self destructive herself. I wish people would see that just because I speak out against it, doesn't mean I'm not fighting it. I wish that I would get treated human too because I'm tired of being a rock for people to lean on, stand on, sleep on, cry on, and then walk away from to do more stupid things and then come back crying.

I wish that I didn't feel like erasing all of that now, because even now I feel I am being selfish. I know that I do have friends who let me cry on them, or at least have offered it. I know that no one is perfect. I just wish that people would look at me as human and know that I hurt and am imperfect too.

And right now I wish that someone would sit down with me and tell me to eat something and wait with my while I did and stuff. I'm really stressed out right now and need some help in that department. I'm tired of helping out all my "anorexic" friends and sitting with them while they eat and asking them how much they ate and checking up on them when I need help too. But because I help and tell people how important it is to be healthy, they assume I know and I follow that. They assume that I'm "all better" and that they can come to me anytime telling me how much weight they've lost and what they're not eating. And then I make them eat and give them a lecture and take care of them and go home and feel empty and unbearably triggered. I'm so tired of being the diet counselor because everytime some girl tells me I don't understand, everytime a friend nods at me when I tell them how health is important but I can see in their eyes they don't care or agree...I start to believe inmyself a little less and less each time. I can feel myself slipping back and I know it is not my responsibility to take care of these people or to keep them around if they hold me down. But I can bring myself to because I love them and I can't stand to see someone walked away from who has a problem. I see myself in them and I can't leave them. I see how people would see the signs in me and would just ignore it. I remember how I used to lay awake at night in pain and wish someone would come in and shake me and help me and tell me I'm beautiful and force me to eat. But no one ever did...I had to do it for myself because I realized no one is going to help me, no one is looking for me to come save me.

I know that it is my fault and that right now I need  to go eat something and calm down, it will make me feel better. But I am extremely triggered right now and so tired. It makes sense that sometimes people don't bother to look past your exterior if you make it easy enough to accept and understand...they won't dig deeper if you don't act like anything is wrong and don't give them a reason to. After all, who has ever heard of a hungry rock?