I feel all of myself, every pore and I feel out of place and uncomfortable right now. I'm sure you know what I mean, when your body doesn't feel like it's yours.
I went to Zeus night last night and it was great but it really left me thinking at the end of it. It really made me think about what makes me happy and what makes me feel things. Or who or why.

It would be safe to say that right now I'm not feeling very well. I've got my own seperate journal from this, and then there's my myspace blog. I don't feel safe in any of them right now. I don't feel safe anywhere. Even when I'm by myself I get afraid of being alone.

I'm just really tired. I'm really tired and bored and just...I'm really tired of doing all of this. Don't get me wrong, I will. I'll pick myself up and keep trying. But I'm still tired anyway.
I'm a very fortunate person so I know not to take anything for granted. I'll never let myself wallow in this mess because I know that I'm lucky and I'm very grateful. And I just feel like right now I can't afford to be sad.

I get angry and tired of myself. I'm so tired of yelling at myself, I'm tired of not being able to do anything right. It's never good enough and I wish I would just shut up and let myself live.

I know it doesn't matter and that I have people to talk to so I don't know what else to say. What can I say? I'm miserable and it's my fault. I can fix it and run to anyone I want right now. I could. But I'm so tired.

At least I'm still eating, even though that doesn't help much with my demented self esteem right now.

You could say eating disorders run in my family. 

My aunt jeanie's teeth are black and falling out of her head. They've been this way, and getting worse, each day for a long time. There's just been no money to fix it. My aunts and uncles are each going to pull together a couple hundred dollars each into a savings account towards getting them fixed. Which will basically involve pulling all her teeth and getting dentures. She's in her mid thirties. She's starved herself to this state and continues to do so.

Every time I see aunt jeanie I want to tell her how much it hurts me and her young children to watch what she's doing to herself.

It's always an ugly wake up call to me when a close family member who has had the same issues is so bad off. It's a big slap in the face and a siren screaming, "THIS IS REAL! IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!"
I'm sure my tooth enamel is horrible anyway after almost six years of purging. But that number is not getting any higher, I've promised myself that. It's going on six years but it's not going to make it to that.

The last time I saw my auntie barbara she wouldn't get off my case. I remember getting off the plane with my family and her face falling. I remember hearing her take my mom aside and say, "Do you see how skinny she is? What is that girl doing?". I remember perfectly clear that I had had half a bagel to eat that day and was freaking out about dinner with the relatives and how I could get out of it. I think I was 102 pounds then. I remember when that seemed so huge to me. I think I range around 110 to 115 now. But it doesn't matter, I have muscle on me now too so I'm not going to bother to check.

Anyway, I remember that summer auntie barbara followed me around like she was my mother. It was actually really annoying but in the back of my mind I loved it. I loved the attention and she was treating me with the concern my mom never did. It's messed up. She told me one day about how she had for about a year gone through a really bad period of eating disordered behavior. She said she would only have a bottle of iced tea every day and that was it. She got down "to the ninties" and then woke up and got scared. I really wish that it were as easy as that sounds.

I'm really thankful to her and how much she cared for me. I don't know if I would have been able to make it without knowing she was there. She's still a really small woman but she eats really healthily and goes jogging. I want to be like her which is kind of ironic when you think of how all my life people would tell me I came out looking more like my aunt than my mother and before I always used to resent it. As I learn more about my auntie barbara's life, I become more interested and feel more like she'll accept me if and when I'll need her to talk to. She's really done some amazing things, some terrible things, and some brave things. She is my hope of getting out of it.

My grandmother used to teach my how to hide my food in my napkin so that people "won't bother you about what you ate". I still don't understand what that one means. I want to be angry at her for telling me things like that at such a young age, but I can't bring myself to feel anything but pity.

My mother has had a really hard life, and has always been put down about her weight growing up. When I look at pictures of her, she was beautiful, she was like Marylin Monroe beautiful. Big lips and eyes and a curvy shape. I didn't know it but she hated herself. Knowing all of this really was painful for me. I guess I was naive to think that my mom's teenhood was like a fairy tale, but I was just hoping there was someone in our family who loved themselves when they were younger. My mom said that when she was little that her mother told her she was "the fat one". Imagine growing up like that...having your mother tell you that. It's no wonder that my mom says she went through her own "phase" of an eating disorder.

It's got me wondering if everyone hasn't.

It's got me feeling small and sad and helpless. I wish I didn't know these things...they make me feel so, so sad. But I'm glad that I can't lie to myself anymore about what bad body image can do.

I don't know where I'm going with this. But I've got to break the cycle.

I'm not sure if the comment I left you worked. So I just wanted you to know that what you said was inspiring to me, and made me know that I'm not alone. I don't know how to explain how helpful it was for me to just have someone tell me they understand and that it's okay for me to feel the things I do. So thank you, truly.

I just also wanted to thank everyone else on here for trying. I think we're all really doing something good by being on this site and representing a group that is at least trying to recover. It makes me feel hopeful for the future, that we can do anything we set our minds on.

When your favorite pair of jeans stop fitting, it can be really disappointing. I'm still wearing them, unzipped and unbuttoned and all tight on me...I just want to keep them on for a little while and then I'll put them in the box of clothes to donate. It's funny but I feel the need to almost mourn the loss of these pants that I used to starve myself to fit into. Now I can barely pull them over my thighs and hips.

My brother left back to Colorado and it was a really sad experience. Not because I'd miss like crazy, and it's not like I won't see him in too long...but it was hard to see him cry. It's hard to see people cry, period. I always feel stupid that I don't cry too...I just never think to, I guess.

I've been listening to "Field Below" by Regina Spektor all day today. I don't know why, but that's always been another song that helps me through my eating disorder.

I feel like I'm going through this almost...mourning period. Which some have said is expected when you let go of eating disorded habits. But it's lasting longer and proving to be more painful than I thought. These past few days have been confusing as far as eating goes. I'm getting to the point where I want someone else to force me to eat and take care of myself. But I know no one will so I'm doing it for myself, but it's very hard. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. I feel like a child.

The truth is my self esteem is terrible right now, along with my already terrible body image. I'm ashamed of myself period. I'm ashamed of my body, embarassed and grossed out about how I look. So then I get more ashamed for feeling that way when I'm trying so hard to be a good example for others because I don't want this to happen to anyone anymore. I guess that's unrealistic. I flip out and get so depressed and feel helpless and so down when I see someone also struggling. I want everyone to get better and be happy. I want to be happy.

The truth is that the more stupid of a situation I get into, the harder it is to just let go. But because it's so stupid it's so embarassing to say I'm not over it and I'm sad. It's so embarassing to ask for help.
It makes me feel like an idiot to talk to people about eating disorders for help when I know that I don't look like I have one.

The truth is that I feel gross in everything I wear and that I didn't go into work today because it took me too long to get dressed. I was so upset because everything I tried to wear I felt looked stupid and too tight. The pair of pants I found that did fit me had a big stain on it. And it's a stupid reason to get upset for but I just felt like giving up.

The truth is that I'm so afraid to talk about this stuff because I don't want to bring people down and I don't want to look like a hypocrite.

I'm afraid to say stuff like, "I don't want to eat, I miss being so thin" because it sounds so awful when I type it out. It makes me so angry and feel so stupid. I totally disagree, but as much as I hate it it's still there. I guess that's what my therapist meant...about paying attention those things that make me angry and feeling them.

The truth is I don't want to.

The truth is that I'm not over the past three years of my life. I'm not over any of it. I spent so long eating it, throwing it up and starving it away. And now it's all body slamming me at once. And everyone is tired of hearing about it. It all already happened. I've talked about it. But I'm finally feeling it. And I'm just not over it.

The truth is that today has been really rough. I'm trying really hard to be healthy. I made myself eat stuff today and the whole time I felt so terrible. And the voice is coming back when I eat. I don't see what I did wrong. I don't see why I need medication. And I don't get why even though I'm nice and healthy and fat on the outside, the inside of me is getting worse. So I keep getting bigger and keep hating myself more. I'm sorry for anyone who had to read this ignorant selfish rant. It's really stupid. But it's true.

It figures. I woke up with a huge resolve to be healthy today. On both ends of the spectrum. Eating enough, and eating the right things. Not a little bit of crap every now and then like I tend to do.

My mom came home with a gigantic box of donuts.

Oh, and uh, I thought I'd post a picture of my hair because I realize I haven't yet and maybe someone would like to see the pink-ness of it all.

I STILL don't know if I like it. Haha. Shh, don't tell.

Bellydance class, twice tonight. It wasn't on my level but it was still a workout, it was still good atmosphere and as always, amazing to watch people's faces light up with excitement when they learn new things or discover bellydancing. It was awesome to watch Camille dance for the beginner students because they were so excited. It made me want to get excited with them.

It's mom's birthday in nine minutes. Yeah...yay!

Wow, I look so different now, I think. Like, I'm kind of soft and sometimes I find I look gross and tubby. But other times I feel like shrugging about it because I'm indifferent, and others I feel proud of my new soft areas and curviness. It's all in my head, I think. All of it.

So because of that I find myself to be inside my head a lot and contemplating the waste it is to think about it too much. I just want to keep seeing people, smiling people. That's really eye-opening to see.

I had some chicken today, and I had pizza.

Okay, and let's be honest here. It's scary to realize you're not so fragile and tiny anymore. You're no longer weak or breakable or bones. It's like you're reaffirming your existence, even your identity. And you long somedays to be weak and feeble again, for a moment. And you think about what that entails. What it means, what it says about you. And then I cry and laugh at the same time and go for a walk. I know I'll never feel "okay" about myself. I won't be satisfied.

I have a chance to do anything I want. And knowing that I can go back at any moment is enough for me, I don't have to actually do it. Sometimes it's just enough to know I'm in control and I'm not going back.
It's maybe more appealing to be weak and frail and whatever. It's so seductive, the idea of falling back into it.
But it's so boring. I know what will happen.
But I have no idea what could happen if I actually just started letting me be myself, all of myself. Every pound and inch of me. I have no idea what would happen.
It's so real. It's not beautiful, no. But I know I deserve better than that.

You guys, we have to step up. Someone once said that when we see something going on in the world that we don't like, we have to remember that we are all interconnected (whatever your religion is or isn't) and that we are a part of even the things in the world that we don't like or agree with. I'm totally against all of the girls and boys who learn to hate their natural selves every day in our society. We play a role in that, we are an example.

When you look back on yourself in five years, are you going to say "I was doing this and that and this is how I was prodcuctive and this is what I was giving back." or are you going to basically say "I had an eating disorder." and let that be the defining part of your life? Your identity.

Who are you? Stripped of fat and thin and food and apperance, who are you under all of that?

My therapist was telling me that I have a problem of being so terrified of relapse or messing up that I block out all unhealthy thoughts or triggers for fear of falling back...so it gets bottled up when I ignore it. And when a tank gets full, it overspills. So I'm not telling you to just altogether stop feeling self concious, to just turn a completely new page in life. But I pretty much am at the same time because if you do it any other way, I sometimes think it won't work.

What I mean is, acknowledge that stage of your life, pay attention to the unhealthy thoughts along with the good ones, just don't let them drag you down. It's all about keeping that balance, in my personal experience.

I'm seeing every day more posts that hurt my heart about weight and about what you've eaten and stuff. And it's great that you have somewhere to get out all those feelings and concerns at, it really is. But it's also time to let yourself live. Give yourself a break. Get in front of the mirror and look into your eyes, just keep looking at them and you'll be suprised at how much hurt, happiness, emotion...life that you will find in them. Look at all you've been through, you deserve to really live now. The people around you deserve it, too.

You can't say that when you feel better about yourself you'll start getting into more hobbies and you'll start being healthy. You'll never feel ready, at least I never have. Because that unhealthy part of you doesn't want to let go. So pay attention to it, and then move on. You don't have to do this anymore. I'm giving you permission to start living.

And I'm saying all of this to myself. We really deserve it.
Let's start something, let's get the ball rolling. I know personally I wouldn't have ever wished my eating disorder on someone else. But the only way we can make certain that the next generation doesn't go through what we are is to start being the change we want to see in the world.
I promise you're not alone, you guys have shown me that I'm not.