Today is better. I slept late, late, late until almost four in the afternoon. I didn't stay up that late last night, so it wasn't because I was tired. I just didn't want to get out of bed.
I had a lunchable. I started to eat one last night, I ate a cracker and just couldn't go on so I put it back in the fridge. After I had a shower this afternoon, I finished eating the lunchable I rejected last night. I feel better now. I always tell myself I'll feel terrible after eating, but when I do...I always feel better because the hunger is over with and I can get things done. I don't seem to remember this though when it counts.

I guess I've gone back to blaming myself for everything for a while, which is why the last couple of days have been rough on me. But yesterday I went out to eat and that was greeeat. So it pretty much set things back into motion. I don't know how much I weigh, I don't see why I should check anytime soon. It won't do anything but set me into an internal conflict.

I am about to go to bellydancing so I thought I'd just make a quick post. So yeah, I'll get back to this later.

I hope everyone is doing okay. I went to the shop today and spent a long time working on the bellydancing choreography we're performing in May. I have to say, it's been a long hard road working together with so many personalities to create one interpretion of a song to represent us as a group...but it's really pulling off. It's going to be really cool when we've mastered it.

Wow, I feel like I'm being pulled from all directions right now and I'm going to like snap in half.
It's been really hard to do the right thing lately. Chris said to be today something that he was yelling at me about, but it actually hit me funnily, he said, "You have all these problems because you don't express yourself emotionally." And I got all angry and told him I do too express myself emotionally, I dance and I talk all the time about what I think and stuff. And then he told me exactly, that I'm always talking about what I think and my opinion on situations in my life, and the logic about them, but I never get into deeply about how I feel until it's all too much to feel and I break down.

I think a lot, a lot of people do this, but it's true, maybe. I think I need to express how I feel better. Right now I think that I'm craving attention because I'm doing stupid things in secret and hoping that someone will somehow see through it all and stop me and save me and it will all be just fine and dandy.

But when it comes down to it, that doesn't sound so satisfying...being saved and understood. I'd rather save myself. Or at least make a difference for myself. I think I'm the only person who can make me happy, which is funny because I'm very good at doing just the opposite of that.

Things sort of go away when you ignore them. They seem like they've gone away. Ignoring things gives you this false reassurance, that only makes you feel more stupid when they turn out to still be there and stronger than ever. Fighting fire with fire has left me in ashes. Speaking in silly metaphors. Ew.

What I mean is that I am lost for ideas on what to do with my life. I should be grateful that I have the luxury to sit back and even reflect on my life right now.

All of my life has been me putting off happiness, saying that I'll be happy later, when I have things, when I get better, when they talk to me again. Never been truly happy.
But I find myself happy looking back...on times I did not appreciated and now miss. Times when I was so unsatisfied and felt so alone. I look back and sigh and see how great things were, and how many people I still had. How ignorant I was, and how blissful. I know then is now and it will happen again. I will look back again. I can't allow myself to look back with regret.

I won't look back on this and wish I had this time back.

My step mom used to tell me when I was a little girl, "Don't eat like such a pig, you're food's not going anywhere. So slow down." She would shake her head and say, "You ate all of that?". My dad would tell me to always eat all my food, or else I was being rude. I had to make a "happy plate".
Food seemed to be anything but happy. More like a miserable plate.
Almost six years of purging. What's going to happen if it doesn't go away?
But it just doesn't go away, I think I have to fight fire with water. Cool the hate with love. And love is something that in this case I will learn.
I don't think I'm afraid of not being loved. I think I'm afraid of never loving.

This past week has been really confusing as far as weight and eating goes. I've been really stressed out and questioning a lot of things in my life...important, life changing things. I wish I could use that as an excuse for eating dinner and then immediately throwing it up. As if I haven't spent so long working on not doing that...it's frustrating that it came so easily. Just one second. Just one second was all it took to just twist everything around.

I should tell my therapist about this. I think I may call him or something and tell him I need an alternative plan...I need more help than I'm getting. I've been so afraid to do that because I've always felt so undeserving and inferior in a lot of aspects in my life. So even though it's ironic...I don't even feel good enough for a disease that causes you to not ever feel good enough. I don't know if that makes sense, but yeah. I can't do this alone anymore.

Total binge episode today. I don't know why, but I guess I thought it would make me feel better. (HA!) I should know by now it won't. But don't worry, all the food is still in my tummy...which hurts a lot. It's incredibly hard not to purge right now, I can feel the food coming up the back of my throat, but I won't do it.

I tried at least three times last night to write. I think I wrote for about fifteen minutes on one entry before I just deleted it all. No matter how I said it, I couldn't give justice to how last night felt for me. I was on the brink of a big relapse, and still feel as if I'm walking on eggshells now. I planned a five day fast and visited a lot of pro-ana sites that ended up actually turning me off of that idea because it was just so pathetic and pitiful to read. I can't believe I used to eat up all of that crap. Last night I knew I couldn't let myself go back, and I knew I wouldn't no matter how safe it would temporarilly make me feel. I knew I wouldn't go back. I love life too much. I just don't love mine right now.

I don't want to do anything right now. I guess I'm being ridiculous, I know that right now I have too much going on to even think that way.

I've probably said this before, but...someone has said that when there is a something missing in your heart, when a hole has been created, a loss has occured, sometimes...the only thing that can fill that hole back up is what was lost in the first place.

I'm sure everyone knows what it is like to feel physically sick because of how much your heart hurts. I'm sure you know what it is like to feel like you can't do anything, you can't live because you're only half of you now and something is gone.

I've been missing you for so long now.

When your past and your present, your eating disorder, your experiences, your friends and your mistakes, your addictions...when they're all innertwined with each other...it's very hard to figure out what to do so you can be happy.
I know it's not smart to lay your happiness on another person. But when someone really does make you happy, what can you do? There's no denying it if you've been living for ghosts of people in the past...and a ghost of who you once were for all of your life.

I'm sure this is something I'm supposed to go through that I'll look back on with a bittersweetness. Right now it just feels like all pain and anger.

It's all mixed up and everything that used to feel good is bad for me. What I want is going to kill me, and what I need I don't actually need...I don't know anymore.

Isn't it sad that a lot of my fear lies in the idea that people might not think I ever had an eating disorder? Like, I'm afraid that they'll think I'm a big liar who was making it all up, since I eat now and I look "normal" now. I'm always so scared because, what's going to happen to me? I'm always thinking that, like, "if I drop this, who will I  be?" I'm always wondering if I'm afraid to find out, or if I'm afraid I'll be so happy with the new me, I might let go completely and be semi-free.

Two songs that have always been my favorite, but especially because I can relate to them as far as my eating disorder goes. They just really radiate the confusion and the pain and the fear, and the isolation to me:

"Shame" by Stabbing Westward

I only see myself reflected in your eyes
So all that I believe I am essentially are lies
And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was
Died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?

I don't know if I'm real without you
What is left of me without you?
I don't know whats real without you
How can I exist without you

I'm wondering 'round confused
Wondering why I try
The more that you deny my pain,
The more it intensifies...
I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you...
If you ignore that I'm alive
I've nothing to cling to

I stare into this mirror
So tired of this life
If only you would speak to me or care if I'm alive
Once I swore I would die for you
But I never meant it like this
I never meant like this...
No, I never meant like this

I don't know if I'm real without you
What is left of me without you?
I don't know whats real without you
How can I exist without you?

"Fingertips" by Tapping the Vein

Although it's warm outside
I feel cold inside my skin
I really could have used fair warning
Then maybe I'd survive this hell I'm in
This is easy
This is easier

If I could heal myself
Where would I begin?
I really wish I'd had a shoulder
I'd try and climb from this hole I'm in
This is easy
This is easier

Locked in all alone here
Fate is in my fingertips
There isn't anyone that can hold me here
Do you think this is courage?
Does this make me brave?
It's just a consequence of the easiest choice that I've made

This is easy
This is easier for me
Than to pretend that this will ever get easier for me

Do you think this is Selfish?
Does this make me crazed?
It's just a consequence of the easiest choice that I've made

This will never get easy...
I don't think so

My mom and I discussed suicide today, and I ate some tacos. Big deal to me, actually. Tacos used to be a major "danger food" for me.

For all my frustration with my body, it makes up for it in the things I can do in bellydancing and yoga, when I see that I can do those things it doesn't feel like it's me that can make such a piece of art...it makes me feel like, "That can't be my body, could it?!". I used to think I couldn't do anything right.

It's going to get better, you guys.  

Today the world forgot to shine
In spite of the rays from the stark sun
Today so many thoughts are tossed
Into a waste basket marked "battles not won"

And I know that he's not breathing now
And I know that she misses his eyes
I know that my panic is not cooling itself down
And there's nothing left to do but to lie

Today the walls were breathing taunts
Whispering, "End it, end it all"
And today so many girls who I don't know
Today feel so huge and yet so small

Today I find tomorrow so far
And even then no less bleak
But today I feel an ache in my heart
That brings me to find it challenging to speak

And even though this chest pain occurs
I smile because it's my heart
Fighting gravity and life and the shock
Keeping me alive, and doing its part

And it hurts but I've never heard it complain
So I shake my head and know I hate today
To walk off in spite of you, February 15
For revenge, it's the only way

Take what you want from me
You'll do it anyway
I've got my bones and blood
I've got nothing to say.

Margo Maine, the author of the wonderful book Body Wars has a list in her book that I thought I'd share here, as it may be helpful to someone out there.

"25 Ways To Love Your Body

As with most worthwhile pursuits, most people have to work hard to make peace with their bodies. Review this list of 25 Ways to Love Your Body. Spend at least five minutes on these every day yourself, as a couple, or with your family or a small group of friends. Share your reactions and experiences as you learn to love your body. Remember, this is a revolutionary act!

1. We are born in love with our bodies. Watch an infant sucking their fingers and toes, not worrying about their "body fat". Imagine being so in love with your body.

2. Think of your body as a tool. Create an inventory of all the things you can do with it. [amy- that I may add you are lucky to be able to do, because not everyone is as fortunate to have a healthy, capably functioning body]

3. Be aware of what your body does each day. It is the instrument of your life, not an ornament for others’ enjoyment.

4. Create a list of people you admire who have contributed to your life, your community, or the world. Was their appearance important to their success and accomplishment?

5. Consider your body a source of pleasure. Think of all the ways it makes you feel good.

6. Enjoy your body: stretch, dance, walk, sing, take a bubble bath, get a massage, have a pedicure.

7. Put signs on your mirrors like, "I’m beautiful inside and out."

8. Affirm that your body is perfect just the way it is. [amy - and if you don’t like the idea of it being perfect, then how about it being just right for you. I know mine isn’t perfect, and I appreciate that fact.]

9. Walk with your head high, with pride and confidence in yourself as a person, not a size.

10. Don’t let your size keep you from doing things you enjoy.

11. Remind yourself: your body is not a democracy- you’re the only one who gets a vote.

12. Count your blessings, not your blemishes.

13. Replace the time you spend criticizing your appearance with more positive, satisfying pursuits.

14. Did you know that your skin replaces itself once a month, your stomach lining every five days, liver every six weeks, your skeleton every three months! Your body is extraodinary-respect and appreciate it.

15. Be the experton on your body- challenge fashion magazines, cosmetics industry, or Metropolitan Weight Tables.

16. Let your inner beauty and individuality shine.

17. Be your body’s ally and advocate, not its enemy.

18. Every morning when you wake up, thank your body for resting and rejuvenating itself so you can enjoy the day.

19. Every evening before you go to bed, thank your body for what it has helped you do throughout the day. [amy - that you are hopefully nourishing it enough to let it do these things throughout the day]

20. Find a mehtod of exercise that you enjoy and do it regularly, not to lose weight, but to feel good. [amy - like bellydancing!]

21. Think back to a time in your life when you liked and enjoyed your body. Get in touch with those feelings now. [amy- this may be harder for some than others. for me, it sometimes seems almost impossible to remember a time when I liked my body when I was younger, but I promise you it’s there.]

22. Look at family photos. Find the beauty, love, and values in those bodies and faces. Hold those close to your heart.

23. If you only had one year to live, how important would your body image and appearance be?

24. Make a closet inventory. Do you wear clothes to hide your body or to follow fashion trends? Keep the clothes that give you feelings of pleasure, confidence, and comfort.

25. Beauty is not just skin-deep. It is a reflection of your whole self. Love and enjoy the person inside. "