Things sort of go away when you ignore them. They seem like they've gone away. Ignoring things gives you this false reassurance, that only makes you feel more stupid when they turn out to still be there and stronger than ever. Fighting fire with fire has left me in ashes. Speaking in silly metaphors. Ew.

What I mean is that I am lost for ideas on what to do with my life. I should be grateful that I have the luxury to sit back and even reflect on my life right now.

All of my life has been me putting off happiness, saying that I'll be happy later, when I have things, when I get better, when they talk to me again. Never been truly happy.
But I find myself happy looking back...on times I did not appreciated and now miss. Times when I was so unsatisfied and felt so alone. I look back and sigh and see how great things were, and how many people I still had. How ignorant I was, and how blissful. I know then is now and it will happen again. I will look back again. I can't allow myself to look back with regret.

I won't look back on this and wish I had this time back.

My step mom used to tell me when I was a little girl, "Don't eat like such a pig, you're food's not going anywhere. So slow down." She would shake her head and say, "You ate all of that?". My dad would tell me to always eat all my food, or else I was being rude. I had to make a "happy plate".
Food seemed to be anything but happy. More like a miserable plate.
Almost six years of purging. What's going to happen if it doesn't go away?
But it just doesn't go away, I think I have to fight fire with water. Cool the hate with love. And love is something that in this case I will learn.
I don't think I'm afraid of not being loved. I think I'm afraid of never loving.