I tried at least three times last night to write. I think I wrote for about fifteen minutes on one entry before I just deleted it all. No matter how I said it, I couldn't give justice to how last night felt for me. I was on the brink of a big relapse, and still feel as if I'm walking on eggshells now. I planned a five day fast and visited a lot of pro-ana sites that ended up actually turning me off of that idea because it was just so pathetic and pitiful to read. I can't believe I used to eat up all of that crap. Last night I knew I couldn't let myself go back, and I knew I wouldn't no matter how safe it would temporarilly make me feel. I knew I wouldn't go back. I love life too much. I just don't love mine right now.

I don't want to do anything right now. I guess I'm being ridiculous, I know that right now I have too much going on to even think that way.

I've probably said this before, but...someone has said that when there is a something missing in your heart, when a hole has been created, a loss has occured, sometimes...the only thing that can fill that hole back up is what was lost in the first place.

I'm sure everyone knows what it is like to feel physically sick because of how much your heart hurts. I'm sure you know what it is like to feel like you can't do anything, you can't live because you're only half of you now and something is gone.

I've been missing you for so long now.

When your past and your present, your eating disorder, your experiences, your friends and your mistakes, your addictions...when they're all innertwined with each other...it's very hard to figure out what to do so you can be happy.
I know it's not smart to lay your happiness on another person. But when someone really does make you happy, what can you do? There's no denying it if you've been living for ghosts of people in the past...and a ghost of who you once were for all of your life.

I'm sure this is something I'm supposed to go through that I'll look back on with a bittersweetness. Right now it just feels like all pain and anger.

It's all mixed up and everything that used to feel good is bad for me. What I want is going to kill me, and what I need I don't actually need...I don't know anymore.