Isn't it sad that a lot of my fear lies in the idea that people might not think I ever had an eating disorder? Like, I'm afraid that they'll think I'm a big liar who was making it all up, since I eat now and I look "normal" now. I'm always so scared because, what's going to happen to me? I'm always thinking that, like, "if I drop this, who will I  be?" I'm always wondering if I'm afraid to find out, or if I'm afraid I'll be so happy with the new me, I might let go completely and be semi-free.

Two songs that have always been my favorite, but especially because I can relate to them as far as my eating disorder goes. They just really radiate the confusion and the pain and the fear, and the isolation to me:

"Shame" by Stabbing Westward

I only see myself reflected in your eyes
So all that I believe I am essentially are lies
And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was
Died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?

I don't know if I'm real without you
What is left of me without you?
I don't know whats real without you
How can I exist without you

I'm wondering 'round confused
Wondering why I try
The more that you deny my pain,
The more it intensifies...
I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you...
If you ignore that I'm alive
I've nothing to cling to

I stare into this mirror
So tired of this life
If only you would speak to me or care if I'm alive
Once I swore I would die for you
But I never meant it like this
I never meant like this...
No, I never meant like this

I don't know if I'm real without you
What is left of me without you?
I don't know whats real without you
How can I exist without you?

"Fingertips" by Tapping the Vein

Although it's warm outside
I feel cold inside my skin
I really could have used fair warning
Then maybe I'd survive this hell I'm in
This is easy
This is easier

If I could heal myself
Where would I begin?
I really wish I'd had a shoulder
I'd try and climb from this hole I'm in
This is easy
This is easier

Locked in all alone here
Fate is in my fingertips
There isn't anyone that can hold me here
Do you think this is courage?
Does this make me brave?
It's just a consequence of the easiest choice that I've made

This is easy
This is easier for me
Than to pretend that this will ever get easier for me

Do you think this is Selfish?
Does this make me crazed?
It's just a consequence of the easiest choice that I've made

This will never get easy...
I don't think so