The truth is my self esteem is terrible right now, along with my already terrible body image. I'm ashamed of myself period. I'm ashamed of my body, embarassed and grossed out about how I look. So then I get more ashamed for feeling that way when I'm trying so hard to be a good example for others because I don't want this to happen to anyone anymore. I guess that's unrealistic. I flip out and get so depressed and feel helpless and so down when I see someone also struggling. I want everyone to get better and be happy. I want to be happy.

The truth is that the more stupid of a situation I get into, the harder it is to just let go. But because it's so stupid it's so embarassing to say I'm not over it and I'm sad. It's so embarassing to ask for help.
It makes me feel like an idiot to talk to people about eating disorders for help when I know that I don't look like I have one.

The truth is that I feel gross in everything I wear and that I didn't go into work today because it took me too long to get dressed. I was so upset because everything I tried to wear I felt looked stupid and too tight. The pair of pants I found that did fit me had a big stain on it. And it's a stupid reason to get upset for but I just felt like giving up.

The truth is that I'm so afraid to talk about this stuff because I don't want to bring people down and I don't want to look like a hypocrite.

I'm afraid to say stuff like, "I don't want to eat, I miss being so thin" because it sounds so awful when I type it out. It makes me so angry and feel so stupid. I totally disagree, but as much as I hate it it's still there. I guess that's what my therapist meant...about paying attention those things that make me angry and feeling them.

The truth is I don't want to.

The truth is that I'm not over the past three years of my life. I'm not over any of it. I spent so long eating it, throwing it up and starving it away. And now it's all body slamming me at once. And everyone is tired of hearing about it. It all already happened. I've talked about it. But I'm finally feeling it. And I'm just not over it.

The truth is that today has been really rough. I'm trying really hard to be healthy. I made myself eat stuff today and the whole time I felt so terrible. And the voice is coming back when I eat. I don't see what I did wrong. I don't see why I need medication. And I don't get why even though I'm nice and healthy and fat on the outside, the inside of me is getting worse. So I keep getting bigger and keep hating myself more. I'm sorry for anyone who had to read this ignorant selfish rant. It's really stupid. But it's true.

It figures. I woke up with a huge resolve to be healthy today. On both ends of the spectrum. Eating enough, and eating the right things. Not a little bit of crap every now and then like I tend to do.

My mom came home with a gigantic box of donuts.

Oh, and uh, I thought I'd post a picture of my hair because I realize I haven't yet and maybe someone would like to see the pink-ness of it all.

I STILL don't know if I like it. Haha. Shh, don't tell.