Bellydance class, twice tonight. It wasn't on my level but it was still a workout, it was still good atmosphere and as always, amazing to watch people's faces light up with excitement when they learn new things or discover bellydancing. It was awesome to watch Camille dance for the beginner students because they were so excited. It made me want to get excited with them.

It's mom's birthday in nine minutes. Yeah...yay!

Wow, I look so different now, I think. Like, I'm kind of soft and sometimes I find I look gross and tubby. But other times I feel like shrugging about it because I'm indifferent, and others I feel proud of my new soft areas and curviness. It's all in my head, I think. All of it.

So because of that I find myself to be inside my head a lot and contemplating the waste it is to think about it too much. I just want to keep seeing people, smiling people. That's really eye-opening to see.

I had some chicken today, and I had pizza.

Okay, and let's be honest here. It's scary to realize you're not so fragile and tiny anymore. You're no longer weak or breakable or bones. It's like you're reaffirming your existence, even your identity. And you long somedays to be weak and feeble again, for a moment. And you think about what that entails. What it means, what it says about you. And then I cry and laugh at the same time and go for a walk. I know I'll never feel "okay" about myself. I won't be satisfied.

I have a chance to do anything I want. And knowing that I can go back at any moment is enough for me, I don't have to actually do it. Sometimes it's just enough to know I'm in control and I'm not going back.
It's maybe more appealing to be weak and frail and whatever. It's so seductive, the idea of falling back into it.
But it's so boring. I know what will happen.
But I have no idea what could happen if I actually just started letting me be myself, all of myself. Every pound and inch of me. I have no idea what would happen.
It's so real. It's not beautiful, no. But I know I deserve better than that.