I feel so sick. I posted a few hours ago, and since then I just...broke. I just ate and ate and ate. And hurt. I just didn't want to cry, and I didn't want to think about it. Everything that has been happening. I atehalf of a pie, I mean, come on. Pathetic. I just ended up purging everything for the first time in forever.

During that time I kept thinking, "Welcome back, welcome back, Amy." But it's not! Just because I mess up doesn't mean it's all over. But it feels that way, it does. The worst part is I felt so much better, and safe with some disease to hide behind...no emotions to face, no excuses, no more hurt or struggle. Just, "I'm sick," and it's off of you. It's the disease. I can't be that way, I have to live. But I felt so much better. Honestly? I really miss it sometimes. I really do. I just feel so alone. I'm sorry that I feel so alone because that's so selfish.

I just don't really know what to do anymore and I feel so...bad.

I'm sorry I screwed up again.

I have been coming back to the piano lately. I gave up on it about a year ago. For some reason it's back. I've take a few lessons. But mostly I would just listen to songs and play them by ear. For some reason I'm coming back to it and I miss it like crazy. I miss being able to play what I felt. I would sit there and feel this terrible pain in my throat while I was playing, which usually meant I was playing something very accurate to how I was feeling.

I had a period that lasted longer than a day for the first time in a while. I am relieved because I'm not losing it. For some reason it is very important to me not to lose my period. I'm pretty healthy right now. But you want to know a secret? I'm not happy right now. I'm really not happy.

I'm sad and I hurt everywhere inside, like I'll never feel right inside. Something is missing. Something feels like it's gone. I don't know what's wrong because nothing is wrong. I am a good weight (yes, I weight myself again) I gained around three pounds which is progress again, I guess.

But I'm not happy. I want to be happy. I'm waiting for it to happen. I've done everything I'm supposed to. Belly dancing, theatre, feminism, telling myself I'm beautiful every morning when I look in the mirror, writing. I've been doing everything I'm supposed to. And I feel nothing.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know, but I feel like I lost something. It feels like something died.

I am taking this all very slowly. Very slowly. My feelings are all twisted around so I'm not sure how to tell anyone how I am doing right now. I want my body to stay right where it is right now. I feel good this way. I don't feel like I'm so disgusting and I just hope for once I can do something right and keep this weight where it is, if it's healthy for me. Please be healthy for me.

Hafla again tonight. It was fun and a good time just like all haflas are supposed to be. I bought a tribal kuchi choker and two CDs. I'm very excited to put them to good use. I'm at a point where I wish I could just wear my belly dancing outfits all the time. They're the only thing in my closet I feel beautiful in. That's strange because they're so revealing and at first made me so self concious. But now they're just so homey and relaxing for me.

I am going to go see the Vagina Monologues Sunday. I am so glad that I'm getting to do all of this because I feel it's a great way to celebrate the month of March (Women's History Month). I'm planning on reading only female authors this month and to pay homage to every woman I know. I just wish I could get all my friends into it. The best way to celebrate this month would be to love ourselves and to do healthy good things for our spirits and our bodies.

I am going to work tomorrow bright and early. I will see Kaitlin there. I will see Ben there. And somehow I'll just keep moving.

Two cheeseburgers are nothing. Two cheeseburgers were used as fuel and energy for belly dancing tonight. Two cheeseburgers do not define me as a person, and have nothing to do with my self worth. Or so most would say. So two cheeseburgers for the day...should not bother me.

Anyway. 

I am currently working on making a song list of music that I can deeply relate to when it comes to my eating disorder/recovery/relapse/self conciousness. Most of the songs...well basically all of them really, don't have anything to do with eating disorders. But when I listen to them, they always help me relate to what I am going through.

Here is one of the songs that first comes to mind when I'm on edge or feel the need to relapse back into old habits...and my old life.

"Again" - Tapping the Vein

I am wearing this weight again
It cuts like it did then
It's consuming all my thoughts
And swallowing me again

And what you see is what's left of me
But I'm here
I didn't think I'd scare very easily
But I fear this thing

It is wearing me out and thin
Paralyzing me again
It was vicious all the way here
I am barely alive

And what you see is what's left of me
But I'm here
I didn't think I'd scare very easily
But I fear this

And I wish you love
With anyone else but me
And I wish you love with anyone

And all I can do I will do for you
If I'm here
I promise you I'll remember you
While I'm here

And I wish you love
With anyone else but me
And I wish you love with anyone

And I wish you love again
And I wish you love again
I am surrendering me
Surrendering mine

Where, oh, where do I begin? Well, I know I shouldn't be weighing myself. But yeah, I'm 108, which means that I've been slowly losing the weight that I gained in my recovery. I'm not trying to, but I shouldn't have lost so much weight. Well, you know, I have been exercising a lot with belly dancing and yoga almost every day of the week. But I feel out of control and scared now...like what if I can't stop? What if I don't want to stop? When I got on the scale and saw that lower number today my heart lept and I started to get that old buzz of how great it used to feel to see I'd lost.

It's sad because half a year ago 108 would have made me cry, I would have thought that was huge and unacceptable. But you know, I don't look bad. I know I don't look bad. So I don't care. I guess the answer to this dilema is to stop weighing myself...I thought I was ready, but I guess I'm not. When will I be ready? When can I start living fully? When can I walk down the street without being triggered every other second? I want it to all just come to me now. I'm so tired of how hard this is. I'm tired of feeling alone. I know I'm not.

I've been living this big lie and I don't even feel like I can talk about it on here. It's nothing serious but it's affecting me emotionally in a big way. I don't want to talk about it, I just want to know it's okay. I really don't feel like it's going to be okay. I really feel like I'm just...jeez, I've done some messed up things. I don't know why I do these things, I don't know why I do this.

We have another hafla coming up this Friday, and that will be great. I just never want to be left alone again. What's the hardest is how I've been trying to act as normally as possible. No one can know so I've been trying so hard while it feels like...this sounds emo, but it feels like I'm falling apart inside. My heart is broken. It really is.

Today has not been the best day for eating. I am in a lot of pain right now. This week my stomach has been killing me. I don't know why but I hurt so much. I've had some problems with eating today, it's been a toughie for me. I had lunch (subway) and right now the thought of eating is making me feel physically sick.

 I'm really stressed out. Ben keeps texting me about how we need to hang out. Well...not hang out, about how we need to have sex. Thinking about his girlfriend makes me want to throw up, thinking about food makes me want to throw up. I just feel really physically terrible right now. Mentally I'm okay, I feel like things are looking up. But I just hurt all over right now.

So I went to the Hafla (party for belly dancers) last night and it was sooooo fun. I was very happy. We danced till midnight and then we finally called it a night. I was really happy and I'm trying to focus on that feeling...the happiness and strong emotion that has nothing to do with weight, food or eating. I'm holding onto my thoughts last night, my confidence last night and using it to undermind the few things that were a bit triggering/upsetting. It seemed like none of my friends except Stacey really ate anything. Ceslie looked grossly thin and that was like ouch to me. But I'll get over it eventually someday.

Anyway, we had a blast. I had a blast at least. I want to do this the rest of my life.