Sometimes I've wondered, do you really want to get better? If you're wondering that maybe truthfully you want to have your eating disorder and just let it consume you, then why are you still here? I don't mean that in an accusing or attacking sense. I just am curious. Why are you still here? Why are you on this site that discourages pro-ana or pro-thinspo? Why are you still alive?

Because you know, I know if I let my eating disorder have its way I wouldn't be alive anymore. The only way I would feel satisfied and thin enough would be when I died. It's true.

The fact that I woke up this morning is a slap in the face to my eating disorer.

All acts of life, health, and happiness are slights to the mentality of an eating disorder.

You're going to die eventually anyway, why are you rushing?

Ha, yeah, I know I have no idea what I'm talking about. I know there are still going to be relapses and slip ups and it's so much easier said than done. But isn't it always?

I mean, happiness with your body probably seems so impossible and far off. Maybe you think it will never happen to you.
When I began purging at ten I was certain that death and all of the consequences would never happen to me. I was in control. It could never go this far.
I'm still in it, look what seemed so impossible has happened and it's very much real.
All things have balance and if I can get that bad, I can get just as well.

My feelings of being alone are all illusions. Look around at the people who love you because they are there. Look, there are some very valid reasons to stick around and put up a good fight already. You are an example, next time you see a little kid pass by you think of yourself as their protector, their example, their role model for their way that they will shape the future.

I want the next generation to not feel they have to starve themselves. And we have to be the change we want to see in the world. No one else is going to be there looking out and making sure that these kids aren't going to grow up hating themselves. I know personally I wouldn't wish my eating disorder on ANYONE. And because I know this and I am alive I have a responsibility to live and to educate and to be an example.

It's going to be okay. It has to be.
All my love,
Amy