I have been coming back to the piano lately. I gave up on it about a year ago. For some reason it's back. I've take a few lessons. But mostly I would just listen to songs and play them by ear. For some reason I'm coming back to it and I miss it like crazy. I miss being able to play what I felt. I would sit there and feel this terrible pain in my throat while I was playing, which usually meant I was playing something very accurate to how I was feeling.

I had a period that lasted longer than a day for the first time in a while. I am relieved because I'm not losing it. For some reason it is very important to me not to lose my period. I'm pretty healthy right now. But you want to know a secret? I'm not happy right now. I'm really not happy.

I'm sad and I hurt everywhere inside, like I'll never feel right inside. Something is missing. Something feels like it's gone. I don't know what's wrong because nothing is wrong. I am a good weight (yes, I weight myself again) I gained around three pounds which is progress again, I guess.

But I'm not happy. I want to be happy. I'm waiting for it to happen. I've done everything I'm supposed to. Belly dancing, theatre, feminism, telling myself I'm beautiful every morning when I look in the mirror, writing. I've been doing everything I'm supposed to. And I feel nothing.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know, but I feel like I lost something. It feels like something died.