Where, oh, where do I begin? Well, I know I shouldn't be weighing myself. But yeah, I'm 108, which means that I've been slowly losing the weight that I gained in my recovery. I'm not trying to, but I shouldn't have lost so much weight. Well, you know, I have been exercising a lot with belly dancing and yoga almost every day of the week. But I feel out of control and scared now...like what if I can't stop? What if I don't want to stop? When I got on the scale and saw that lower number today my heart lept and I started to get that old buzz of how great it used to feel to see I'd lost.

It's sad because half a year ago 108 would have made me cry, I would have thought that was huge and unacceptable. But you know, I don't look bad. I know I don't look bad. So I don't care. I guess the answer to this dilema is to stop weighing myself...I thought I was ready, but I guess I'm not. When will I be ready? When can I start living fully? When can I walk down the street without being triggered every other second? I want it to all just come to me now. I'm so tired of how hard this is. I'm tired of feeling alone. I know I'm not.

I've been living this big lie and I don't even feel like I can talk about it on here. It's nothing serious but it's affecting me emotionally in a big way. I don't want to talk about it, I just want to know it's okay. I really don't feel like it's going to be okay. I really feel like I'm just...jeez, I've done some messed up things. I don't know why I do these things, I don't know why I do this.

We have another hafla coming up this Friday, and that will be great. I just never want to be left alone again. What's the hardest is how I've been trying to act as normally as possible. No one can know so I've been trying so hard while it feels like...this sounds emo, but it feels like I'm falling apart inside. My heart is broken. It really is.