I got back from New Orleans from the Tribal:Pura workshop with Fat Chance Bellydance (idols!) so exhausted and happy. I'll go into that a lot more when I'm not so tired and tied down with stuff to do...like trying to sleep. haha.

Anyway, it's been an OK past two days as far as eating goes. I'm having some major self esteem issues. I really need to hang out with some people who are viligant in eating healthy and who are in love with their bodies because I'm feeling really...ugly right now and sad.

You know what I was thinking about? Thin Glutton had posted an entry about how in recovery from our eating disorders, we go through a mourning period when we face the loss of something that was very important to us and used to be well, our lives basically. So, let's face it. I do miss getting on the scale to see if the number went down. I do miss feeling so certain and in control. I miss feeling like I was so amazing for losing weight. I miss a lot of that, I do. So kill me. Well...please, don't, not really.

But I think about it and I realize that I forget a lot about what was going on half a year ago or so. I was so alienated from my friends. I had no energy to do anything. I looked like a trainwreck. I was dying. My hair was falling out. I would cry myself to sleep every night without fail. I felt so alone and ugly all the time. Eating (which yes, you eventually give in and do, I always did) sent me into a self hating, suicidal frenzy. Which is a pretty miserable existance.

I don't miss any of that. And that's one of the things that keeps me in check.

Maybe it would be a good idea to focus on that, and how much I am capable of doing now. How much I missed about being healthy back then, too, that I have now.

What are some of the things you don't/or won't miss about your eating disorder?

I just finished getting all the pieces of glass out of my room. Had a little...fit and broke everything. I feel really sad about it because a lot of my stuff is like broken and it's my fault for doing that. I guess when you feel like something is out of your control you just want to create massive chaos around you to feel...more in control? I know it doesn't make sense, but yeah.

I feel guilty because all I've had today was a meal at the Olive Garden (which was enough, believe me) but at the same time it's not. I feel myself slipping back into unhealthy stuff which is why I can't wait to get out of this place for the weekend to New Orleans and be surrounded by beautiful, talented people at the tribal belly dance workshop. It really is going to be a once in a lifetime oppurunity to see Fat Chance Bellydance perform. I mean, I've always idolized my teacher, Ilea, and she is all bubbly and giddy thinking about getting to meet them so you can imagine how good they are.

My friends put up with way too much from me, I just wanted to get that one out there.

I think I need a good slap in the face right now, and then a hug.

I found out something today that I suppose most would find troubling. In some sense, I do find it to be a concern. But I feel...good that I know it. My feelings, they terrify me.
But you know what's beautiful about that? I'm more terrified of my feelings than I am of fat.
I don't think I've ever been more afraid of something than I was of getting "fat" before.

I am writing and I feel a sweet, innocent sadness welling up inside me. It is little Amy who stayed silent for a long time. It's me at four, me at eight, it's me shut up inside a closet hiding from the monster at home. It's the feelings that I shoved into the cold silence of dieting and self hatred. No feelings, no hurt. No life. Nothing.

I am so alive and in pain right now. I am remembering things I must have blocked, and it's so beautifully sad. It's very painful. But it's something besides fat and thin. It's real.
It's what I've been avoiding for so long.

It's just the beginning. 

My eating has been off and on, a roller coaster full of confusion. It is hard to tell when I am hungry. It's very hard to tell if I want food or if I want comfort. It's hard to tell if one bite will be the icing on the cake to the beginning of a panic attack.

Someday I know I'll be able to go sit at a restaurant and look at the food as food. Not as "safe" or "scary" or "bad". I will order what I want and I'll eat it and I'll go on with whatever else I'm doing. Because I'll be doing so much, so much more than this thing. And people will know me as so many things. So many things. But not as sick.

I really miss my big brother.

I've been trying to teach myself to look at my body as me. Not just "my body", but me. The issue I find I have and maybe some other people with eating disorders have (I don't know, so I'll just speak for myself) is that I look at my body as some seperate, out of control entity that I am fighting. I don't look at it as a part of myself. So when it comes down to it, it makes it easier to starve, hurt, and kill my body instead of myself. But they are the same thing, really.

My body has always been good to me, and I just wish that I could give it back all it's given me. Our bodies are very forgiving, you know. If I had treated anyone else the way I've treated mine, I dont' think they would work well for me or be very understanding. But as soon as I go back to treating it right (after all I've put it through) my body has shown me how it can dance, move, give and create pleasure, it can so slowly but surely be healthy and all it can be that I've never allowed it to do.

So close to the edge of something. If a breakdown means enlightment and a weight off my shoulders, then I bring it, I guess. If humiliation means realization and modesty, it has to happen. Sometimes you get to wondering if you can attain anything good without the bad, or going through the bad first, at least.

I guess it wouldn't make sense any other way. There's that divine balance again.

Wednesday, Thursday. Terrible. It's all a big mess rolled out into one. Good news: healthy eating. Greater news: I got to talk to someone who is very healthy and just...an inspiring person. I know a lot of those but when you meet a new person like that in your life, it never gets old. That belonging and hopeful sensation.

I dyed my hair pink. Eh, I don't know if I like it. Sometimes I want to just be invisible and blend in, and it calls for a lot of attention from strangers and even friends. It's annoying to always look loud and peppy without even opening your mouth.

But you know, it made me so happy to change my hair color. That I'm chaning it again tomorrow. That's right. I think I have a new addiction. Haha.

Belly dancing workshop with Fat Chance Belly Dance this upcoming weekend!

I am a big slobbering depressed mess. So I wish I could stop smiling and just feel it.

Sometimes I've wondered, do you really want to get better? If you're wondering that maybe truthfully you want to have your eating disorder and just let it consume you, then why are you still here? I don't mean that in an accusing or attacking sense. I just am curious. Why are you still here? Why are you on this site that discourages pro-ana or pro-thinspo? Why are you still alive?

Because you know, I know if I let my eating disorder have its way I wouldn't be alive anymore. The only way I would feel satisfied and thin enough would be when I died. It's true.

The fact that I woke up this morning is a slap in the face to my eating disorer.

All acts of life, health, and happiness are slights to the mentality of an eating disorder.

You're going to die eventually anyway, why are you rushing?

Ha, yeah, I know I have no idea what I'm talking about. I know there are still going to be relapses and slip ups and it's so much easier said than done. But isn't it always?

I mean, happiness with your body probably seems so impossible and far off. Maybe you think it will never happen to you.
When I began purging at ten I was certain that death and all of the consequences would never happen to me. I was in control. It could never go this far.
I'm still in it, look what seemed so impossible has happened and it's very much real.
All things have balance and if I can get that bad, I can get just as well.

My feelings of being alone are all illusions. Look around at the people who love you because they are there. Look, there are some very valid reasons to stick around and put up a good fight already. You are an example, next time you see a little kid pass by you think of yourself as their protector, their example, their role model for their way that they will shape the future.

I want the next generation to not feel they have to starve themselves. And we have to be the change we want to see in the world. No one else is going to be there looking out and making sure that these kids aren't going to grow up hating themselves. I know personally I wouldn't wish my eating disorder on ANYONE. And because I know this and I am alive I have a responsibility to live and to educate and to be an example.

It's going to be okay. It has to be.
All my love,
Amy

There's this tired, sick feeling to just keep walking. Keep moving. Keep going. You can do it. What am I even walking forward for? I don't know yet. I just keep hearing exist, exist, exist, be, be, be. Live. And I feel like I'm walking around, faint and blind and tired. Very tired.

Who am I? I know I'm not this situation, so why can't I dig under my feelings and my problems and find a person under it. I want an identity, and I'm terrified that I just might get one.

I feel sick.

I was thinking today a certain thought that happened to go something like this: "You know, I need to figure out how to healthily lose a little bit of weight so I can feel better."

So I can feel better...

So I can feel better?

I thought about that for a long time. First of all, would I feel better? Probably no. Even if I did need to lose weight and found a way to do it healthily, I would still have every problem I do now, I would just be lighter. Second of all...I've got some muscle now. My arms are pretty cool and buff for a little girl like me. My thighs are pretty much toned and my stomach is getting more muscle on it from all of the isolation drills and work I do every day with it for belly dancing. Muscle weighs a lot more than fat, so it's not weight that would make me smaller anyway. Thirdly, why do I even think feeling better would be associated with losing weight?

That one I can't really answer yet.

But then again sometimes the questions are more important than the answers. Which is a good thing I guess because I've got a lot of them.

I get to see scott (my therapist) today. I find that a lot of the time we sit around and talk about nothing. Sometimes we both just say silent. He's very patient. He just let's me do what is comfortable for me. It's frustrating because I know he knows that something is wrong, and it's angering that he can't fix it. I have been seeing him as my dad lately which is worrying.

I had a dream last night that was really upsetting and I was thinking after I woke up how symbolic it was. And now I can't remember what happened. Something about my friend Chris convincing me to do something I don't want to do, and then my friend Ceslie was going away no matter how much I would ask her not to leave. I don't remember anything else but I know a lot of stuff happened.

I was talking to my friend Brandon on the phone and looking at myself in the mirror. I've always liked my arms. I have a big thing for arms, I'm not sure why. It's always my favorite part about someone. They're the only part of me that I've never really been too self concious about. But tonight I looked at them and thought, "they're getting fat." I know why I'm doing this. I know why I'm beginning to distort my body image again. I just don't know how to deal with it.

Lately it's been easy to figure out the "why?" of my life. It's the "how?" that's been difficult. How did it happen? How do I stop it? How do I help myself out of this? How do I learn to talk about it? How do I change?

So my arms are actually pretty muscular now. They're not fat. They've gotten really tough and strong. And yes, they've gained weight because muscle is weight and weighs more than fat. I know the why.

How? How do I teach myself to understand this?
I've got to learn to hear the sick of me out, and then argue with it, I guess. Talk back.

It's one addiction to another. One unhealthy habit to the next, it seems. I've been over-eating lately. I want to be healthy. I don't want to over eat or under eat, I want to get it right. But it's really hard to do that because if I begin to restrict a little of the bad foods so I can be healthy, I'll take it overboard. It is so, so pathetically easy for me to go overboard and relapse right now.

I'm sure when my friends talk to me they feel my resolve about health must be concrete and pretty strong. The truth is, I'm talking the talk and being all pro health and motivated because I am so the opposite right now. I'm not healthy inside or out. And I feel this huge tear inside that's ripped me in half. The problem is that people need to understand that no matter how confident I appear, I need so much help. I need a lot of support. As soon as people start thinking I'm pretty well off and resolved is when I probably need some help.

I need some help. I can't do it alone.

And as for the personal life issues go in my life right now, I'm not really sure how to handle them. I'm not talking to him, he's not talking to me. So it's good right? That's what I thought. In this case...I don't know the why or the how.
I don't even know the 'what?'.

It's always going to be here until I really don't want it anymore. It really is. I always knew that, my therapist always tells me that. But for the first time I ever...I've realized it. It's hit home.
Do I want to get better?

Do I want to be around to hear my favorite songs and see my friends and do I want to be free? Yes. And then the feeling comes slithering in, do you want to give up on your saftey blanket? Do I want to gain weight and "lose control"? This is where it gets tough. But I just realized just now...just now, I want to be in this for the long run. Maybe it's for all the wrong reasons. But it's because I want to prove them wrong. I want to prove wrong all of my friends who think they can't get over their stuff. I want to prove my doctor's wrong that I'm a hopeless case. I want to prove myself wrong.

This time it's all on me.