So I'm going to go see Scott tomorrow and then I don't know what. What do I tell him? See, I always try to go over in my head what I'll talk about with my therapist when I see him. And it always ends up being something totally opposite from what I planned but still...it makes me feel prepared. Should I tell him I'm doing better? Worse? The same? I don't know how I'm doing because I'm stuck in it. Day in, day out. I'm stuck in one minute feeling hopeful and the next feeling disgusting and like going back. It feels so out of my control. It shouldn't because it's more in my control now than it was before and yet...it's so terrifying.

Like...I'm wearing my old Rammstein shirt right now. Too small. I don't want to take it off. I was crying earlier because it was kind of the last straw. One of my favorite shirts, you know? What I need to do is make something out of it. Like a purse or a pillow so I can keep it with me even though it doesn't fit. It doesn't fit. It doesn't fit. It's too small. Or am I too big? No, it's not the same thing. And I'm working on teaching myself that I'm not "too" anything, no I'm not.

I was cleaning my room and I found some old surveys the specialist had given me to fill out so long ago. I don't even want to read them so I put them up in my "keepsakes" drawer and maybe...one day I'll look at them and feel proud. It will all feel so far away...instead of so temptingly close like it does now.

I wanted to talk about Saturday. It has nothing to do really with eating or my recovery. It just has to do with feelings and personal relationships so I know I'm going to be boring.

I tried to explain to her how it feels like you're a fool and you're out alone in the cold. I tried to explain how I love her and want to be there. If she could give me anything in the world...I would ask her to let me be there for her. I'm not sure if she heard me.

I went to work. Chris and Jordan got there. It was okay. Kaitlin got there. She had Popeyes and I watched her eat it all and stay the same size. See, it's strange to watch people eat like that and see nothing extraordinary happen. When I eat food I feel like I have quadrupled in size...like when I look in the mirror even I can see that I have. So it's strange to watch and comprehend that really nothing happens but that you're fueling your body when you eat.

Kaitlin and I are getting to be good friends. Like more than friends that can laugh with each other like we used to be. I don't know what happened to change it. Maybe seeing her once a week normally and we've supposedly gotten used to each other. I haven't gotten used to her. Everytime I see her I feel so hurt inside. Because she's amazing and I love to see  her...but she's amazing and I hate it.

I hate the text messages every hour from a person who loves her. I hate that he came and brought her lunch and him lunch and that they hugged each other for so long. I hate that I tried to go to the back room like I promised myself I would and it didn't help any. It just made it hurt more. I hate that I am like this. I hate the confusion of feeling so disgustingly huge around her and then suddenly chris is hugging me and telling me I'm gross for being too small. I hate the confusion of what to do. I hate that I'm on the edge of all of this. I hate that when I try to talk about it all I can do is be angry. So much anger. At what? At who?

I hate that all I want is to be so strong. I want to be who I act that I am. I don't want to lie anymore. Because inside i'm all mush and pain. And inside I am weak.

He left...and then later Kaitlin and Jordan left to go get something from the shop next door. Chris and I sat in the dance room talking. I wanted to tell him how much hurt I was feeling. All I could do was joke. And then suddenly I was telling him how much I hated everything. He just basically pulled me on top of him and hugged me while I sat there on him and told me to talk. And I just wish that I could have really talked. I wish that I could have told him. But I couldn't tell him because it's all a mess. So I just told him that I was tired of being the girl who ruined relationships. And Kaitlin and Jordan came back and she had boughten me twix and a drink. And I wanted to cry because she was so sweet.

I wonder if I would have done the same for her.

I try to not let little things like this get to me. But somehow they always do. I feel literally like I'm dangling over a cliff. And I don't know what it is to stay or to fall.