I had this big freak out at a friend's house that I'm sure no one noticed because I acted as normally as possible and we were watching a movie so I wasn't required to talk. But we were all eating shrimp or something. And everyone ate what was put in front of them. And no one moved to take anymore. And for some reason that was HUGELY triggering to me. I can't stand myself and how every single thing is triggering and it makes life exhausting and scary to live.

Anyway I was so upset because I was thinking...now I know that at least one of us still wants more shrimp but isn't getting any because the others aren't. And no one did! And that upset me so much. I thought I was just going to start crying. And it was extremely triggering. I don't know how to hang out with friends and warn them of that...like, "by the way, anything you say and or do will probably somehow upset me greatly and trigger me." Man...I don't want to do this anymore that sucks.

So eventually I moved and got some more shrimp (3 of them) hoping that someone else would too. And no one did! No one did anything. It upset me so much. It made me not only feel like everyone had this big conspiracy to eat less than me...but it made me feel like now they were all secretly laughing at me for eating more shrimp alone. And I just, wow. That was terrible. It basically bothered me all night until I went to sleep and it's still bothering me. I just want to lock myself up in a closet somedays. I really do. To protect myself. Because everything hurts.

I was all excited this morning when I woke up and had this crazy idea that I could call him so we could hang out. Tell him I was bored. I fell off that cloud fast but it just...I don't know. It's extremely painful and I just want to get over it. Over all of this.