So I have just recently bought the soundtrack to the movie Requiem for a Dream. Of course, I knew before I listened that it was going to be amazing because I'd heard a few of the songs before online.

To be honest, I've never heard music that encaptured the sound of the panic and hate and confusion and hope and fear that I have been feeling in my life. I've never really heard anything that stimulated the senses in a way that immediately brings me back to my eating disorder. The whole feel reminds me of it all. The pacing of the halls, the pain, the purging, the shutting down, just everything. I don't really know how to explain it.

I don't really know how else I would ever explain the many parts of myself all buried deep into this one body, sharing the same mind...I don't know how else to explain except to say, listen to this.

There was one song on there, number six, that really got to me. But it had nothing to do with my eating disorder...not directly, at least.

I'm not a stupid person. I know that in our society and through the media, we glorify losing your virginity as something extremely romantic, wonderful, and a magical experience. Which ends up leaving a lot of people feeling let down. I had already prepared myself for the fact that my first time would be painful and akward and even a little unpleasant. I wasn't expecting candles and promises and I love yous. Definitely not I love you's.

So when I lost it to someone I didn't know who basically screwed me without my real say so and took me home, I only cried for a few hours. I got through it. I was prepared for it to suck...life can suck a lot.

And I dropped it. I forgot, I moved on like normal and never talked to him again. Eventually he stopped calling me and I stopped caring.

But somehow lately it's bothered me...it's February now and it really shouldn't.

I have this issue with the whole myth of closure. It seldom happens in my life. I got used to the first person I loved suddenly packing and leaving. I got used to a really good friend becoming indifferent. I got used to a dad that will make promises and break them like it's going out of style. Because that's life.

Somehow I thought I had gotten used to this, and it's come sneaking up on me to bite me in the ass. Maybe it's because there's this secret part of me that feels used. Maybe it's because I don't know his last name or his favorite color...or maybe it's because I don't remember what he looks like or what color his eyes are. All I remember is how his hands felt and that's it. I remember saying no and I remember him saying I would change my mind. I remember the fear and the excitement. So I'm trying to move on with just that.
Because honestly I've been fine with it. It was just...when I heard that song, track number 6, "Ghosts of things to come", I started bawling crying and thought of losing my virginity.

It always makes me think of what I wish had happened. No, don't worry...I don't picture roses and candles and silk sheets and soft music. I don't picture love. Just something different. Something that didn't leave me feeling so empty like everything else. Something with just a little bit of closure, just a few of my questions answered.

You know what I wish I could do? I wish somedays that my first had been like this:
They know my favorite color and they know not to touch my stomach too much because it makes me feel fat. We don't do it on the bed because that's weird to me. The TV isn't on. I can look at their eyes and I'm not afraid because I actually want it. I've known them for a little while, and we're friends. We have things in common and it's not too serious because that's scary. They ask me if it hurts because it's important that they don't tear me. They look at me like I'm a person. And I don't feel like a terrible person during. They don't have a girlfriend or a girlfriend they're hiding from me. I'm not thinking about how ugly I look because I don't look ugly this time. They wear a condom when I ask them to instead of telling me no. I care about this person. I know who they are and they aren't going to just get up and leave. They aren't going to leave me with all of these questions and confusion. They aren't going to harass me on the phone or leave threatening voicemails when I don't pick up. And for once in my life I don't feel so guilty. And I'm okay with it. It's not something I have to get over or suck it up and move on from. I'm really okay with it. Because this person cares about me...and I'm not afraid to care back. I don't want to run away when it gets too serious this time because i'm not afraid of the idea of someone loving a person like me. So I don't run away for the first time in my life.

And I don't regret it.

But this is the real world. And it's going to be okay.

I've been having flashbacks since this morning when I got out of the shower about the hospital. I had honestly forgotten about some things that happened. I'm really glad that I'm in a different place right now. I'm really glad that I am not so easily panicked about food. I really don't need to stress myself out more over yet another little thing that's "no big deal".

I need to trust myself. I don't know if I can just completely let go into the world of impulse and what feels right. I'm used to restriction which was supposedly something that is supposed to lead to strength. It has lead to this little sliver of will that is left. But it will do. Have you noticed that I'm stronger? Have you noticed that I am not wasting my time as much anymore?

I got my ghost in the shell soundtrack (vol. 2) and I'm loving it. Especially "I can't be cool" and "living inside the shell".

Feeling alone is only a passing thing.