I'm going to give myself just a few rules about how I'm eating now. See, before, when I decided to finally let myself eat and live I could not have any rules at all. Any restrictions or regulations turned bad and I manipulated them and relapsed. So I've gone months without any rules, without any scales or counting or anything. I feel healthier. But I do not feel healthy. I've not been eating right...like, most days I eat enough. But I don't eat healthy food or healthy amounts. I need to try and take baby steps and slowly implement rules or maybe just guidelines to make sure that I'm healthy and not just eating.

So yeah, I get to perform a duet my sister and I put together. I've been extremely sick so it's amazing we even planned anything, whether or not it's good. Haha. I'm not really nervous, just calm and content about it. As long as I get to be with people who share a passion for this, and I get to share my ideas and passion for belly dancing with them - I'm good.

So close to relapsing a few nights back. Wait. That's putting it lightly. So close to committing suicide a few nights back. That's pathetic, huh? I can't believe that was a few nights back. It's been a while...off any medicine at all. Went from diet pills upon diet pills and anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills, and anti-psychotics...to just nothing. I don't know how I feel about that. I do like the idea of starting with a clean slate though. Especially with my new healthy lifestyle.

And who knows, when I can truly call myself healthy and stable and less likely to relapse and be triggered all the time (I'm walking on egg shells at this point) maybe I'll discover I may still need a pill...I may still have a chemical imbalance. But let's try this out and just see what happens, okay? That's what I keep telling myself.

Right now it all sounds fine and dandy though, you see, because right now I'm happy Amy. And she's nowhere to be found but I promise you she's there...she's hiding in there somewhere and she will come back. So what I have to do right now is just take care of me and remember how I feel now and that this is what's important...not the anxiety. This feeling is what matters.

And then again, what is this feeling?

Being healthy is the hardest thing I've ever attempted to do in my entire life. I swear. I think it will always be that way.

I haven't talked to him in like almost three weeks. That's pretty crazy. You know what else is pretty crazy? I'm still hurting from my chest to everywhere else. The ache and the joy and the twinge all over is still there. I wonder how much longer it will take to go away. I keep telling myself that this is like the other people I've cared for who I didn't really care for. Ha. And I don't want to talk about it to other people because I don't want them to know that I feel anything but resentment for this guy. Because...eventually, hopefully, someday soon that will be true. Someday soon maybe I'll hate him and that's it. Someday soon I'll forget about everything that's gone but so close, like our friendship, and the pain, and the happiness. Someday I'll gain my freedom from these feelings, and lose my old friend.