I have never felt so alone and lost. I can't put anything into words. It is so incredibly...phsyically hard even, to talk about anything right now. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I don't know how to tell you.

And I don't know how to tell anyone how disgusted I feel. How fat and unworthy I feel. How do you explain the pressure to be a role model when you have none for yourself? How do you be healthy when people you respect around you are slowly killing themselves and triggering you every five seconds. How do I explain how insecure I feel about myself.

How do I explain and still sound convincing about wanting to be healthy when last night I almost gave up on everything?

How do I say I need a hug. But not from just anyone. I need a hug from someone who has been there, who is still there, someone who is in it just like me and who really, passionately with all their might is trying too.

I am afraid to open my eyes all the way because one blink...and it was a huge letdown.

I miss you, and I don't understand why I do.