Today I had my appoitment with my therapist. I told him (after the 'how are you') small talk about how the past two nights I had purged for the first time in forever. We talked about how I felt. How pressured things are getting to be. And he said something like, "You are a creature of extremes, Amy." And I agree whole heartedly.

I don't know why but for some reason he asked me how my friends were taking everything and I just began to cry so hard that I could barely breathe. When I had (sorta) calmed down I started yelling about how much pain there has been. There has been pain in feeling so alone in an eating disorder, trying so hard to get out of it so you can be healthy like everyone else, working so hard for everyone, only to wake up and realize... everyone else was unhealthy too. Just to different degrees. Everyone hates themselves too, I just didn't notice it I was so consumed in myself. So everyone is a walking trigger to me. I wanted to work to be like everyone else only to realize that I'm probably at the moment healthier than all of my friends. Combined.

Working so hard to find a role model, a buddy...a shoulder to cry on. Someone to look up to, someone healthy and comfy in their own skin. No one. That's so rare. I wasn't an outcast before when I was sick. But now I am. I have never felt so alone. I have never felt so ostracized for wanting to be healthy and love myself.

So that's what I told him. And I sobbed all the way home. I told him our societ seemed helpless...he lifted up his hands and sighed, "...you're right."